


Jellicle Chats for Jellicle Cats

by Robin_U_Blind



Category: Cats (1998), Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats - T. S. Eliot
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Deaf Victoria, Fluff, Found Family Vibes, Gen, Humor, LGBTQ Character, Trans Characters, blind cassandra, its just their groupchat fuckery, none of them have a brain cell to their name
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23022229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin_U_Blind/pseuds/Robin_U_Blind
Summary: Jellicle University is one of the most prestigious and accredited schools for performing arts.  Under the leadership of President Deuteronomy, the school is renowned for its masterful faculty and the legendary talent of their alumni.The student body?  Complete dumbasses.These are their stories, told through easily-derailed group chats, less-than-professional emails, and passive-aggressive Tweets.
Relationships: Alonzo/Munkustrap (Cats), Mr. Mistoffelees & Victoria (Cats), Mungojerrie & Rumpleteazer (Cats)
Comments: 161
Kudos: 202





	1. Kitchen Organization and the Beginning of Democracy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been thinking about this AU for a long time, and I've finally reached a point of self-loathing where I no longer feel shame for indulging myself. Group chat stories have honestly always been one of my favorite fanfiction genres, so I'm excited to finally try it myself!

July 24th, 2018

**From:** Jane Doe <jdoe@jellicleuniversity.edu>

 **Subject:** Roommate & Housing Confirmation

 **Date:** 24/07/2018

Tugger Deuteronomy, 

We are excited to have you joining us in Partridge Hall this upcoming semester! You have been placed in room 305, which is located in the South hall of the third floor. 

Your roommates for the semester will be Munkustrap Deuteronomy (xxx-xxx-xxx; mdeut@jellicleu.edu), Coricopat Leclair (xxx-xxx-xxxx; clecl@jellicleu.edu), and Alonzo Fernàndez (xxx-xxx-xxxx; afern @jellicleu.edu ).

Please make sure to get into contact with your roommates prior to the move-in day to communicate any necessary arrangements.

If you have any questions, please contact the Residential Life & Housing Office.

Jane Doe

Assistant Director of Housing 

* * *

GroupMe

12:32 AM

_Tugger Deuteronomy created a new group: BASTARD TOWN._

_Tugger Deuteronomy enabled nicknames._

_Tugger Deuteronomy set nickname as Love Machine._

_Love Machine added Coricopat Leclair._

_Love Machine set Coricopat Leclair’s nickname as Bitch._

_Love Machine added Munkustrap Deuteronomy._

_Love Machine set Munkustrap Deuteronomy’s nickname as Bitch Bitch._

_Love Machine added Alonzo de León Fernàndez._

_Love Machine set Alonzo de León Fernàndez’s nickname as Slut._

**Love Machine:** THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOOOOOOOWN

_Bitch Bitch set nickname as Munkustrap._

**Munkustrap:** Could we not have just used the chat I already made for us last semester? You know, the one where we, the roommates, talked about roommate arrangements. In our roommate chat.

 **Love Machine:** new year new me bro. great time to wipe the slate clean

 **Bitch:** Also a great time to be the owner of the chat and have full control over it

 **Love Machine:** Cori u both know and understand me like noone else <3

 **Bitch:** Where do we draw the line between understanding and knowing? The surface knowledge of one’s habits and opinions are but a mere glimpse into the depths of a psyche so labyrinthine that trying to explore it is to risk getting so lost that you are no longer distinguishable from the hellish walls of nightmares and anxieties that surround you.

 **Love Machine:** fucking mood 

**Bitch:** lol

 **Slut:** Tugger, my GroupMe is already excessively bloated with gratuitous chats. This is a waste. Let’s just use the old one. 

* * *

GroupMe - Roommates

12:49 AM

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** 🍆🍆🍆

_Tugger Deuteronomy left the group._

**Alonzo de León Fernández:** You whore,,,

* * *

GroupMe - BASTARD TOWN

12: 51 AM

 **Love Machine:** Oh no it looks as though i will be unable to be contacted through the old chat :((((

 **Munkustrap:** Can you at least please change the name of the group to something less crude? You’re an adult and you can start acting like it.

_Love Machine set group name as Pour One Out For The Stick Up Munk’s Ass._

_-Liked by Bitch_

**Slut:** Are you SURE about that?

* * *

GroupMe - Roommates

12: 52

_Munkustrap Deuteronomy added Tugger Deuteronomy._

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Tugger, what’s your problem with using this chat?

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** if u meet my list of demands then i will not have any problems

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** What are they?

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** 1) enable nicknames 2) let me burn candles in the dorm 3) tell me where u put the can opener i cant find it

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** 1) No, because I know you will name yourself something crass. 2) That’s illegal. 3) It's in the drawer to the left of the sink where the scissors and batteries are.

_Liked by Tugger Deuteronomy_

**Alonzo de León Fernández:** Why in Bast’s name is the can opener with the scissors and batteries?

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** It seemed like an appropriate place to put it.

 **Coricopat Leclair:** not in the drawer with the spatulas and measuring cups? 

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Look, I couldn’t figure out where to categorize it. You don’t use it to stir or flip food while it’s in the bowl/pot/pan, so I didn’t put it with the spatulas and ladles, and whisks. You don’t use it to scoop up food, so it didn’t put it with the measuring cups and scoops. The only place left was the junk drawer with the batteries and scissors and ballpoint pens. 

**Alonzo de León Fernández:** Don’t you have a space for miscellaneous cooking tools? Where do you put your peelers, egg slicers, and meat tenderizers?

 **Coricopat Leclair:** Trying to fit things into arbitrary categories is exactly the cause of every major human conflict. Racism, sexism, classism--our desire to keep things separated from each other infringes on our ability to connect. At the same time, the celebration of diversity is important because it expands horizons that otherwise would be closed to us. This is the greatest paradox of humanity; simultaneously lifting up the ideas of uniqueness and sameness in a precarious and deadly balance. 

**Alonzo de León Fernández:** Can I dislike a message?

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** The peelers, slicers, and tenderizers all go together in a drawer near the knife block because they are used to mutilate food. The can opener has no direct interaction with the food, just the container of it, so can it really be called a cooking tool? Thus, it goes in the junk drawer.

 **Alonzo de León Fernández:** Okay, let me put it like this. When you open a can, a little bit of food inside of the the can gets onto the can opener, and then you have to wash it. But you can never quite get the sponge to wash up all the nooks and crannies of a can opener’s mechanisms, so there’s still some sauce or whatever leftover on it. And you’re just going to put that filthy can opener in with the rest of the junk?? And get food on your batteries??

 **Coricopat Leclair:** If your batteries are out loose like that, then you have bigger problems than where you put your can opener. You gotta store those bitches RESPONSIBLY

 **Coricopat Leclair:** That's why I put mine in the freezer

 **Alonzo de León Fernández:** Wh

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Excuse me?

 **Alonzo de León Fernández:** the FUCK you absolute degenerate???? 

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Cori,that sounds like nine levels of unsafe.

 **Alonzo de León Fernández:** Explain yourself this instant.

 **Coricopat Leclair:** I refuse

 **Alonzo de León Fernández:** Coricopat, you CANNOT compare can openers to RACISM and then say you put batteries in the FREEZER and then provide no follow up.

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** wtf i leave for fifteen minutes to make some fucking spaghetti and what in the FLYING FUCK do i come back to????? ****

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** Munk ur seriously denying me ownership of our groupchat on grounds of "unprofessionalism" and yet yall are out here losing your shit over CAN OPENERS????

* * *

GroupMe - Pour One Out For The Stick Up Munk’s Ass

1:15 PM

 **Love Machine:** as president of the groupchat i hereby promise to create a space where we can be free from Alonzo’s bullshit

 **Munkustrap:** Why are you like this?

 **Bitch:** a polite reminder to all debate candidates to wait for their turn to speak 

_Liked by Love Machine_

**Munkustrap:** Tugger, you will not win this argument. 

**Love Machine:** oh no youre right……youre so good at debating…..everyone knows how hard and rigorously that Munk masterdebates…...

 **Bitch:** Thats ten points for President Tugger

 **Slut:** Listen, if we’re going to argue like this we can at least be mature about it.

 **Munkustrap:** He’s right; there's only one way to settle this fair and square.

 **Munkustrap:** We have to organize our campaigns into a formal debate and then decide by majority vote.

 **Love Machine:** skhfskfseenajnfal are u fuckign serious

 **Munkustrap:** I am never not serious; you should know this by now. 

**Bitch:** Interesting, but the flaw in your plan is that both you and Tugger will vote for yourselves, and we all know that im voting for Tugger and Alonzo is voting for Munk. Its just going to end in a draw

 **Slut:** That’s true. So we need to find a third party to be our panel of judges. It has to be other students, though, because there’s no way that I’m going to mortify myself by bringing such a petty stunt to any professors.

 **Bitch:** So ideally, we’re looking for students that know us well enough to be insightful judges, but who also don't respect us enough to be biased

 **Love Machine:** i hate how the tables have turned against me,,,,

 **Love Machine:** but i know just the bitches

* * *

Discord - direct message (Bomb Balls + Pussy)

**Pussy:** i have a proposition

 **Bomb Balls:** What the fuck do you want Tugger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deciding on names was a little bit tricky; I considered changing their names to something more normal at first. Tugger was going to be named Rory, Munkustrap would have been Magnus, etc.  
> In the end I decided to keep their silly-ass names because I like them and I do not care!!
> 
> Rum Tum Tugger was a little tricky to work with; I thought about making "Rum Tum" his first name, which is ridiculous even for this world's standards, so he goes by his middle name instead. In the end I decided that "Rum Tum" is--well, you'll see.
> 
> I'll need to come up with Old Doot's first name when he finally comes around,, I'm torn between giving him an equally silly name as Tugger or Munkustrap, but idk it might be funnier if he was just Bill or something,, I'm open to suggestions!!
> 
> As for everyone else's last names, I just tried to find something that sounded good with their first names. Idk what do yall think?? Did I do a good job???
> 
> Also, characterizing Coricopat is tricky because i'm trying to strike the balance between his mystical and intellectual energy, but also capturing those moments where he breaks that mindset and goes full dumbass. I would love to get feedback about him specifically,,
> 
> Thank you so much reading!!


	2. Eggs, Existentialism, and Advertisements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ThANK YOU for all the nice comments!!!! I've read through all of them like fifty times ;;;;  
> I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I tend to work at a slow-and-steady pace, and I've had a lot going on recently,,, thank you for the patience!!

July 25th, 2018

SMS group - Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah 

10:19 AM

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Ladies, you will not believe the absolute FUCKERY that the boys are up to

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** The start of the semester is three weeks away and they’re already back on their bullshit LMAO

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Bold of you to assume that they were ever off of it.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** F

 **Bombalurina Roth:** They’re bitching over who’s going to own their roommate groupchat, and instead of hashing it out like rational adults, they’re hashing it out like man babies 

**Bombalurina Roth:** They gonna hold a series of formal debates to determine who gets to be the owner of their chat, and Tugger wants us to judge them

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Oh I’m fucking judging them all right

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Obviously we accept the offer and commit major fraud

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Obviously.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Obviously

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Oh hey speaking of roommate bullshit 

**Bombalurina Roth:** How goes the search for our new fourth? 

**Bombalurina Roth:** Tanto did your buddy get back to you??

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Unfortunately, her life journey is not aligned with us. The distance between her destiny and ours is a wide and woeful canyon that is too treacherous for her to traverse, lest she is consumed in its gaping maw.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I’m shaking what does that mean

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Our apartment is over an hour away from her school, and she doesn’t want to make the commute. 

**Cassandra Sabbah:** Oh damn I really liked Exotica

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Fuuuuckckckck she was our best option!!!!!

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** And our only option 😞

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I really don’t want to have to resort to putting out an ad but we really need to find a fourth,,,,

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** It won’t be the same without teaser. Who else will steal lipstick from Sephora for me

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Who else will let me practice hypnotism on them?

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Who else will pick out tastefully trashy clothes for me when we go shopping

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Who else will try to use my incense as cooking spice?

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Who else will get stuck in yoga positions that I warned her were too advanced

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Who else will replace my tarot deck with Yu-Gi-Oh cards?

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Bitches quit derailing!! We for realsies need to figure out what the fuck we’re gonna do!

 **Bombalurina Roth:** The three of us together will be able to pay rent and utilities but just barely, so getting a fourth to split with is definitely going to be worth the trouble of soliciting some stranger off of the streets if comes down to that

 **Tantomile Leclair:** As much as I agree on the financial front, I’m apprehensive about having a stranger move in. It took a lot of effort to cultivate our collective energy, and suddenly introducing a new one into our sanctum could very well throw it off balance.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I would fucking DIE before I allow some bitch ass motherfucker to ruin our vibes

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Scratch that I’d slaughter them first

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Bomba said vibe check

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Honestly worst case scenario if we don’t find someone chill, then it's just us three and we have to dial back self-care days

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Anyways I’ve already started an ad draft so I’ll share with you guys right now so you can make edits ✌️

 **Cassandra Roth:** I hope we find a jaded old lesbian with an eye patch and a tiny cactus named Eleanor and she has a mysterious past that she refuses to talk about, but we gain her trust by saving her from being murdered by a nemesis and she finally confides in us that she’s an ex-assassin and that we’re like daughters to her; the daughters she never had because her life of crime was too dangerous for a family. She always wanted to name her child Eleanor. And that’s when we reveal that all of our middle names are Eleanor, which is the wacky reason we all became friends in the first place. We all hold hands and jump in the air. Freeze frame, roll credits

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Well, it’s eventually bound to happen in one of these lives. The possibilities are infinite, after all.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Hell yeah

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Hey Tantomile

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Yes?

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Since the possibilities for our next lives are infinite do you think if we get reborn enough times we’ll eventually live a life exactly the same as one we’ve had before

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I don’t see why not. 

**Cassandra Sabbah:** Neat

 **Tantomile Leclair:** However, that brings up some interesting implications

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Go off queen

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Your inquiry questions the exact nature of infinity. If we are reborn into the same life that we have lived before, then perhaps the infinity of our lives is specifically in the number of times that we are reborn, and not in the number of ways to live our lives. That is; there is a finite, countable number of life possibilities that any given person can live. If this is true, then it is very possible that we have already lived every life that we can and are trapped in a loop of rebirth. This could be the first time I have lived this life, or it could be the ten millionth, and I will never know. As constantly as the planets orbit the stars, so do we orbit through the same set of lives. No matter how big that set may be, at some point we will have lived every single possible life billions of times over.

 **Tantomile Leclair:** On the other hand, if there is NO limit on the number of ways to live a life, then this begins to bleed into the territory of the multiverse theory; for every decision we make, there is another reality where we acted differently, and within that branch of universe, there are even more alternate decisions, and so the variety of lives possible expands infinitely. There could be another life that is completely identical except for the most minute of differences; on April 19th, 2014, perhaps I ate a blueberry muffin for breakfast instead of three hard boiled eggs. Other than that, everything is completely identical. One small, diminutive difference in my life, and all the other people around me are living an exact repeat of a life they may have had before. 

**Tantomile Leclair:** However, if the psychological theory of behaviorism is to be believed (which it should be), then every action we take, no matter how insignificant, can be derived from some kind of conditioning or past experience. Choosing the muffin over the egg might be a small choice, but it tells of larger changes. Something would have happened differently to sway my decision, and so there really would be more differences than just my breakfast choice. I could have chosen the muffin because I was in the mood for something tasty over something filling and nutritious; or had I simply eaten a bigger meal the night before, and so wasn’t as hungry? If so, what caused me to eat more? Changes in my life specifically mean that the other people in my life have behaved differently to sway my psyche, and so their lives cannot possibly be completely identical to other lives they’ve had before. And just as I am affected by the world, I can influence and change it just the same. At what point then, did all of these differences originate? When and where did the butterfly flap its wings? At birth of the universe itself? The only possible explanation is that imprints of memories can carry over from life to life; vague recollection of other experiences that we don’t remember experiencing. That is why we are capable of making different choices despite having identical lives prior. The universe is giving us unlimited chances to fix our mistakes until a version of ourselves is born that lives a perfect life. And then we can finally rest.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Hey how the fuck do you remember exactly what you had for breakfast four years ago 

**Tantomile Leclair:** Please tell me that my breakfast isn’t your only takeaway from this.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** I’m just saying that three hard boiled eggs is such a boring and bland breakfast and I barely remember that they exist let alone if I have ever eaten one

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Eggs are a versatile and easy source of protein.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Listen eggs are fine but you are eating them in the most depressing and inconvenient way possible! You have to painstakingly peel off every little bit of eggshell and what are you rewarded with? Three rubbery and insipid chicken fetuses

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I will hard boil three DOZEN insipid chicken fetuses every single morning and swallow them whole one by one while I force you to watch.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Well don’t let me stop you from hatching your schemes

* * *

SMS - Bombalurina Roth, Rumpleteazer Harley 

1:27 PM

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Hey are you SURE you don’t want to room with us this semester??

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** Awwwwe do u fuckers miss me already ;) 

**Bombalurina Roth:** As much as I’m going to enjoy not having to put a padlock on my fridge, we were all looking forward to having you :’(

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** no lock made on this mortal plane has ever kept me out and you are a fool to think that barriers will ever any power over me

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** but yes im still gonna move in with my cousin lol

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** poor little freshman bby is so anxious and she asked me so nicely

 **Bombalurina Roth:** You know that’s almost suspiciously selfless of you

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** who am i to leave my own flesh and blood without a wise and benevolent guru to guide her through this new and scary stage of life??

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** is it selflessness or is it merely sacrificing my own personal happiness for the sake of a dearly love one???

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Those things,,,,, are exactly the same things you fucking dunce

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** ofc ur cold and empty heart would fail to understand the deep familial love between me and lemur

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Lemur?????

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Rumpleteazer you know that I fully support your criminal activity but I cannot condone you owning a WHOLE ASS LEMUR

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** U CLUELESS BITCH THATS MY COUSINS NAME

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** WHOS THE DUNCE NOW HUH

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Who the fuck names their child LEMUR??

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** someone from the same family as the woman that named her daughter Rumpleteazer

 **Bombalurina Roth:** kjdhjdalfasfalj fair point,,,,

* * *

SMS group - Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah 

2:36 PM

 **Tantomile Leclair:** In conclusion, eggs are symbolic of a life within a life within a life and they give that capacity of life to us when we eat them, and boiling them is the best way to preserve their properties.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** What an egg silent way of saying that you have no taste 

**Tantomile Leclair:** If anything, eggs have a louder energy than most other proteins.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** That was supposed to be a stupid pun but my voice to text didn’t pick it up properly 😞. This is the saddest thing to ever happen to me, Alexa play Egg Man by Beastie Boys

 **Bombalurina Roth:** F

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I was just pondering why my good close friends haven’t even looked at the ad that I have put so much heart and soul into, but I suppose breakfast food has higher priority than finding the fourth most important person in our lives

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Who’s your first most important? Asking for a friend

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Whichever of you motherfuckers contributes to this household

 **Tantomile Leclair:** We decided that this is going to be an egalitarian society, so I sure hope favoritism won’t become an issue.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Okay for real you two we gotta buckle the fuck down and get this bastard written and put out

 **Tantomile Leclair:** To be honest, I’m still processing the fact that Rumpleteazer is no longer with us. I felt a strong, kindred connection with her. Her absence is like a cloud passing betwixt me and the sun. I feel wilted. 

**Cassandra Sabbah:** Tanto photosynthesizes confirmed 

**Tantomile Leclair:** Stop deflecting your emotions with humor. I know for a fact that you are filled with dismay just as we are. Let yourself feel and be felt or the universe will swallow you along with the rest of the cosmic dust as it expands and decimates the void before it.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** It’s my literal dream for that exact thing to happen to me

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I miss Teazer too guys!! It’s going to be weird without her but we have to keep trucking!! We WILL get a stinky new roommate and we WILL invite Teazer over to terrorize them!! Are we ready to fucking do this???

 **Tantomile Leclair:** You’re right. We must be strong for Rumpleteazer’s sake. 

**Cassandra Sabbah:** Bombalurina you inspire me every day, let’s get this fucking bread

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Hell yeah!!! I fuckign love you guys!!

11:15 PM

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Holy SHIT,,,,,,,,

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I desire nothing less than to lie in the dirt and let the worms consume my body. Goodbye.

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Can I join you

 **Bombalurina Roth:** THAT WAS A FUCKING TRAINWRECK

 **Bombalurina Roth:** IT DID NOT HAVE TO TAKE US NINE HOURS TO DO THAT

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Well apparently it did!!! Maybe this wouldn't have happened if you had kept your opinions about Beverly Hills Chihuahua to yourself!

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I wouldn’t have said a fucking word about Beverly Hills Chihuahua if you hadn’t brought up Area 51 conspiracy theories, you KNOW how I fucking feel about those

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** I think you have a lot of pent up feelings about shit that you let blow way out of proportion

 **Bombalurina Roth:** You know what??? You’re right,,

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I’m really sorry about those things I said back there. That was the ugliest side of myself that I never wanted you guys to see. This whole deal has just been so stressful

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Girl,,,,,,, i love you so much and I would never let petty shit get between us. I'll forigve you if you forgive me for saying those horrible things

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Done and done!! JKdahfjahfaf I can’t believe how fast everything went to shit

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Bomba we have just gone through ninety nine levels of Hell together. Now that we have seen each other at our lowest and worst points nothing can ever come between us. Were so much more powerful now

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** I’m a little bit concerned about Tantomile though. She got real quiet after the exorcism

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Oh u right. Hey @Tanto how are you holding up

11:53 PM

 **Bombalurina Roth:** @Tanto????

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** You don’t think she was serious about the worms do you

11:59 PM

 **Tantomile Leclair** : [picture attachment]

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Image description: Tantomile is lying facedown in our backyard, surrounded by a ring of scented candles. The crickets and moths frolic about her lifeless form in a cajoling, nocturnal revelry. 

**Bombalurina Roth:** Coricopat? Is that you on Tanto’s phone?

 **Tantomile Leclair:** indeed

 **Tantomile Leclair:** after spending nine hours at her computer, she suddenly threw it across the room and then burned all the sage we own before going outside to soak in the moonlight

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Oh Bast

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** She’s photosynthesizing 

**Bombalurina Roth:** LKDHGLAKHSHFAHFSLHFLHLJDHF

July 26th, 2018.

1:04 AM

 **Tantomile Leclair:** After meditating deeply on the issue, the stars have told me that this is Rumpleteazer’s fault.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** lkashfslkfahfslkahlf girl are you okay???

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I will be in a moment.

* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley, Tantomile Leclair 

1:06 AM

 **Tantomile Leclair:** 🖕

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:**??????????????????

* * *

SMS group - Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah

1:07 AM

 **Tantomile Leclair:** The Balance Has Been Restored.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Ominous 

**Tantomile Leclair:** Thank You.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Guys, Rumpleteazer leaving threw off our plans big time but tbh???? I’m kind of proud of her for being so nice to her cousin

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Who’s name is Lemur btw

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** If I had a cousin named Lemur I would also pity her

 **Bombalurina Sabbah:** She’ll fit right in though. Like, half the people we know have dumb names

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** Yeah for real, who names their child Alonzo? It’s like they want him to get bullied

 **Bombalurina Roth:** What kind of fucked up parent looks at a child and names them George??? Absolute abuse I tell you. 

**Tantomile Leclair:** I don’t make a habit of wishing for things, as the universe tends to do things regardless of mortal whims, but I would love it if our new roomie has a more commonplace name. Just for symmetry’s sake. 

**Cassandra Leclair:** Perfectly balanced, as all things should be

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Do Not Bring Up That Infuriating Motion Picture To Me.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** Tanto I feel like Jellicle attracts people with fucked up names so I wouldn’t hold out much hope

* * *

**From:** Jennyanydots Jennings <jjennings@jellicleuniversity.edu>

 **Subject:** Living arrangements offer

 **Date:** 07/26/2018

Hello, dear!

I hope this week has been well for you! If it happens that you are still trying to find somewhere to live for this semester, I know some very nice girls who are trying to find an extra roommate for their apartment! They live very close to campus--just a short drive, or an energizing walk. I have had all of them in my class at least once, and I think that you would really like them. 

The advertisement I have attached has their contact information, but I can introduce you to them if you prefer.

_Attachment: Ad_We Need Extra Vibes In Our Apartment.pdf_

Take care,

Dr. Jennyanydots Jennings

Professor, Jellicle University Dance department

* * *

**From:** Demeter O’Sullivan <dosul@jellicleu.edu>

 **Subject:** Re: Living arrangements offer

 **Date:** 07/26/2018

Hi professor!

Thank you so much! This looks like a really good offer; I will be sure to get in touch with them!

Best,

Demeter O’Sullivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah,, the pieces are all falling into place,,,  
> I shouldn't say too much, but I'm....very excited what I have planned with Lemur..................
> 
> Also!! i should probably establish that Cassandra is blind in this universe! Because she relies on the text-to-speech feature on her phone, her friends always give a description of the pictures they send. I believe that having the characters describe things in their own words is going to be vastly more entertaining than just me providing a static description every time.
> 
> Anyways!! Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up much sooner! We're going to meet Misto, Victoria, and hopefully most of the kittens!


	3. You'd Better Go Catch It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's been keeping safe and sanitized!! I have found myself with much more time on my hands lately, so hopefully I can start updating this faster XD
> 
> Also, I want to shout out to my homeslice DelukahDo, who has given me some excellent feedback on ideas I have for the story! I love and value you so much <333

* * *

July 27th, 2018

**From:** Jane Doe <jdoe@jellicleuniversity.edu>

 **Subject:** Roommate & Housing Confirmation

 **Date:** 07/26/2018

Quaxo Jones, 

We are excited to have you joining us in Brent Hall this upcoming semester! You have been placed in room 113, which is located in the South hall of the first floor. 

Your roommates for the semester will be Mungojerrie Hardley (xxx-xxx-xxxx; mhard@jellicleu.edu), Plato Kaplan (xxx-xxx-xxxx; pkapl@jellicleu.edu), and Tumblebrutus Lloyd (xxx-xxx-xxxx; tlloy@jellicleu.edu).

Please make sure to get into contact with your roommates prior to the move-in day communicate any necessary arrangements.

If you have any questions, please contact the Residential Life & Housing Office.

Jane Doe

Assistant Director of Housing

* * *

SMS - Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones 

2:04 PM

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Hey have you gotten your email about who you’re rooming with yet??

 **Victoria Jones:** Yes I saw it this morning!! I’ve been texting my new roommate and she's super sweet!!

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** How many do you have?

 **Victoria Jones:** They just sent the one email???

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** I mean roommates dummy!!!

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** How many??? Just one??

 **Victoria Jones:** Well yeah of course its just one

 **Victoria Jones:** Why

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** VICTORIA PHYLLIDA JONES

 **Victoria Jones:** Quaxo Mistoffelees Jones??? 

**Mistoffelees Jones:** thREE

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** THEY GAVE ME THREE OF THEM

 **Victoria Jones:** ?????????? I thought our dorm didn’t have suites??

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** They don’t!! They’re just gonna cram four of us!! into ONE room!!

 **Victoria Jones:** RIPPPPP

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Vic im gonna die 

**Victoria Jones:** can you just ask for a different arrangement?

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** It’s too late for that, we’ve already been assigned 

**Victoria Jones:** I’m so sorry for the loss of your personal space, it will be dearly missed 

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Gone before its time 

**Victoria Jones:** Lmao

* * *

SMS group - Mungojerrie Hardley, Plato Kaplan, Tumblebrutus Lloyd

3:07 PM

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** cards on the table fellas

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** i lost our refrigerator 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:**??? I’m

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** How did you lose a REFRIGERATOR

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** it got up and it walked away, idk what to tell you

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** SHIT

 **Tumblebrutus LLoyd:** If we can’t find a replacement fridge we’re going to have buy minis!! 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** jskhdsld the entire fucking reason for going for this shitty dorm in the first place was to save money,,,

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** And there goes a FREE refrigerator right from under our noses!! What the fuck happened to it!!

 **Plato Kaplan:** He said it walked away bro, cant you read??

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** listen,,, all you need to know is that it's out of the picture

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** if we all pitch in we can probably buy a shitty one for a reasonable price 

**Tumblebrutus Hardley:** God if we’re gonna resort to buying a shitty cheap one we may as well just use the communal one

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** OVER MY BARE NAKED CORPSE WE WILL

 **Plato Kaplan:** Oh guys!! Since we know who our fourth guy is now shouldn't we get his input on this? If he’s gonna live with us we should hear his opinion!!

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** first of all freshmen dont deserve rights 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** >:(

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** second of all I HAVE AN IDEA

* * *

SMS - Mistoffelees Jones + unknown number 

3:14 PM

 **unknown number:** hey does your refrigerator run???

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Is this for real

 **unknown number:** dude 

**unknown number:** just answer the question 

_Mistoffelees Jones blocked unknown number._

* * *

SMS group - Mungojerrie Hardley, Plato Kaplan, Tumblebrutus Lloyd 

3: 15 PM

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** HE FUCKIG BLOCKED ME!!!!

 **Plato Kaplan:** What?? Rude

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Ughghgh leave it to Jerrie to screw things up

 **Tumblebrutus LLoyd:** Here let me try

* * *

SMS - Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones 

3:45 PM

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Oh my god these strangers keep texting me with that dumb “is your refrigerator running” prank. I had to block THREE different numbers 

**Victoria Jones:** Wtf that’s so weird 

**Victoria Jones:** Speaking of, Uncle and I are on the way home from the doctor so I hope you remembered to take out the chicken out of the freezer to let it thaw

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Of course I did, I’m not the favorite child for nothing

* * *

Google search: “How to make chicken thaw faster”

* * *

SMS group - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Electra Watson 

3:50 PM

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Yo I’m going to need someone to do me a massive favor and text my new roommate. He blocked me and Jerrie and Plato’s numbers so now we have no way of communicating with him

 **Electra Watson:** What tf did you do to him???

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Nothing!!! We literally just asked if he had a working refrigerator because Jerrie lost ours!!

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** How exactly does someone LOSE A FRIDGE

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Fuck if I know!!

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** It’s so weird he blocked you...are you sure no one said something mean to him? You boys are sometimes pig-headed :/

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** No!

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Uuugugghghg I have to LIVE with this guy for a semester

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** This is going to be hell

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** Could be worse. You could be living with Pouncival, who leaves eleven fruit loops in the box instead of just eating them

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** >:(((( I’ll stop doing that when you stop leaving rat-sized clumps of hair in the shower. Your so gross

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** You literally leave your stank ass underwear IN THE HALLWAY on a regular basis but go off I guess

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** At least you two have your own rooms!! All four of us have to share ONE!! 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Do you realize the mental somersaults I’ve been doing trying to figure out a decent arrangement?? 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** And I can’t even take STUPID QUAXO into account because he!! Blocked!! Us!! How the FUCK are we supposed to talk to him!!

 **Electra Watson:** Just send him an email you dunce

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Oh thats a good idea

 **Electra Watson:** Careful not to hurt yourself with your “mental somersaults” there buddy

* * *

**From:** Tumblebrutus Lloyd <tlloy@jellicleu.edu>

 **Subject:** hi it’s me your roommate

 **Date:** 07/27/2018

Quaxo Jones, 

Okay so you blocked all three of us (your roommates) and I would like to kindly request that you unblock us so we can communicate about room arrangements.

The inquiry about your fridge still stands.

Sincerely,

Tumblebrutus 

* * *

SMS group - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Electra Watson 

4:03 PM

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** Electra, who is your roommate? We've all talked about ours already!

 **Electra Watson:** Ahh well not to brag but......................

 **Electra Watson:** I have a room all by myself :)

 **Electra Watson:** I guess they had an odd number of students so there was no one to pair me up with!!

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** AHH!! You can host slumber parties!! :D

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** Aslkfjsjfsjflsjf I’m so excited to move in to the dorm you guys!!!!!

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** I like sharing a room with Bombalurina very much, but sometimes she’s a,, 

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Ah give me a minute I’ll remember the word

 **Electra Watson:** God I wish I lived with her, she’s so cool

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** Same

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** Euugghghgghhg gross she’s like wayy too old for you

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** Ew that’s not even what I meant!!

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Haha do you guys remember that embarrassing crush Pounce had on her in middle school

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** He asked her to the dance and everything 😂 you fucking loser

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** Shut up shut up shut up sHUT UP

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** OMG YOURE THE ONE WHO STARTED IT WEENY

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** It!! Was!! A!! Joke!!

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** YEAH AND WE’RE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU NOW

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** OH YOU WANNA PLAY THAT GAME HUH??

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** ISN’T IT REALLY FUNNY HOW ETCETERA HAD A SCRAPBOOK FULL OF PHOTOS SHE SECRETLY TOOK OF TUGGER 

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Really??

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** YOU JERK THAT WAS A SECRET!!!!!

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** I TRUSTED YOU

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** I WILL EVISCERATE YOU 

**Electra Watson:** I mean I won’t say that isn’t hella creepy but you know what?? I understand

 **Electra Watson:** Y’all KNOW how sapphic my gay ass is……….but if I had to pick a guy……...

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** SLUT

 **Electra Watson:** Damn quit shaming me 

**Jemima Casteleyn:** That’s the word I was trying to think of earlier!! :(

 **Electra Watson:** Damn quit shaming Bomba!!

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** But she’s so so so so messy!!!! She’s always leaving her things everywhere!!

 **Electra Watson:** Kjfsaksfjlfjaskjf Jemima I think you mean “slob”

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** OH YES THAT’S IT

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Jemima I would die for you,,,

 **Jemima Casteleny:** Then perish UwU

 **Electra Watson:** Jemima I’m driving to your house right this minute to hold you in my arms

* * *

new SMS group - Mungojerrie Hardley, Plato Kaplan, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Mistoffelees Jones 

4:15 PM

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** It has been brought to my attention that I may have made a mistake 

**Mistoffelees Jones:** While I apologize for my rash decision in blocking you all, I stand by that you probably should have introduced yourselves first

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** This is Mistoffelees Jones, by the way, in case that wasn’t clear

 **Plato Kaplan:** Our bad lol

 **Plato Kaplan:** I thought your name was Quaxo??

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** That’s my first name, but I go by my middle name

 **Plato Kaplan:** Gotcha!

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** Misto all im saying is if you thought it was a prank then you at least could have gone along with it 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** I think we got off on the wrong foot due to miscommunication on ALL of our ends, so how about we just pretend that never happened

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Done and done

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Anyways as it so happens

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** We DO have an extra fridge lying around. We got a new one recently, but the old one works just fine, aside from the ice maker, which no longer makes ice

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** oh fuck all transgressions are FORGIVEN 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** FRIGID SAVIOR

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** But I do need to ask why you need a full-sized refrigerator? Surely those aren’t allowed in the dorm

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** well thats where youd be WRONG my friendo

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** not anywhere does it say that we cannot bring a full-sized fridge

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** They literally had size restrictions for minis on the website though??

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** by specifying the dimensions for MINIS, they inadvertently created a loophole that legally allows us to bring a full-sized fridge

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** there are so many things you can bring as long as you can find the right loophole for it

 **Plato Kaplan:** It’s true!! We know a girl who brought her own washing machine and hooked it up to her sink! 

**Mistoffelees Jones:** That’s all well and good, but I feel like one big fridge is counterproductive to maximizing our very limited floor space. We can just stick minis under our beds

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** True, but Plato cooks a lot and we can’t store everything he needs into the minis

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** But that’s what the communal fridge is for??

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** oh you sweet naive dandelion

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** i want to hold your innocent face in my hands and tenderly kiss you on the forehead

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** gay

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** As a liscensed homosexual I must agree

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** the ENTIRE BUILDING all shares that one gross moldy fridge. there is ALWAYS a half full gallon of spoiled milk, three broken eggs, and a giant cooking dish with exactly one serving of lasagna left in it. i am nOT touching that festering cesspool with a ten foot pole

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** There’s a colony of ants that lives under it. I’m not exaggerating in the slightest 

**Plato Kaplan:** Can confirm the ants!

 **Plato Kaplan:** Word of advice: they are not as easy to befriend as you’d think :(

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Hmm duly noted

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Also it’s nice to know that someone else can cook! I have some equipment that I wanted to bring but, but it seemed like too much for just myself and I wasn’t sure if anyone else would want to use it

 **Plato Kaplan:** Oohhh we can exchange recipes!! I just learned a really good one for scalloped potatoes the other day!!!!

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** The fuck is a scallop

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** thats when a horse goes real fast, IDIOT

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Oh my god

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** I’ll kill you myself

* * *

SMS group - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Electra Watson 

6:00 PM

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** In conclusion, everyone should go sign my change.org petition to get my brother euthanized [link]

_Jemima Casteleyn added Victoria Jones._

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Everyone say hi to my roommate Victoria Jones!! :D

 **Electra Watson:** Heyy!! Good to meet you!

 **Victoria Jones:** Hello!!

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** What’s up!!

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** Excellent!! Another name to add to the petition!!

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** Can’t believe my own flesh and blood would do that to me :(

 **Electra Watson:** Jokes on you! She’s adopted

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** That’s ten points for Cettie

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Hey Jemi and Electra, isn’t being an only child great??

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** Yes I love having my own bathroom!

 **Electra Watson:** I wonder what it’s like to never have to hide the TV remote while I’m getting a snack

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Tfw you never have to argue about what to watch 😩👌👌

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** Victoria, you said you have a brother?

 **Victoria Jones:** Yeah! His name is Mistoffelees, he’s also starting to go to Jellicle this semester!

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Uh is Mistoffelees his first or middle name?

 **Victoria Jones:** Middle. Why do you ask??

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** One of my roommates’ middle name is Mistoffelees,,,

 **Victoria Jones:** OH THAT’S MY BRO!

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** YAY TUMBLE YOUR ROOMY IS MY ROOMY’S BROTHER THIS IS SO EXCITING!!

 **Electra Watson:** Oh thank god, this is going to make keeping track of friend circles so much easier

* * *

SMS - Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones 

9:38 PM

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** I hope your roommate is less of a dumbass than mine are

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** They’re talking about plans to hide a pet tarantula

 **Victoria Jones:** Oh no

 **Victoria Jones:** Yeah Jemima’s great though!

 **Victoria Jones:** She’s so nice,,, 

**Victoria Jones:** She even knows how to sign a bit!! 

**Victoria Jones:** I mean, it’s a completely different dialect from Belgium but we’re gonna teach each other :)

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** That’s great!

 **Victoria Jones:** Turns out she’s friends with your roommates by the way!!

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Oh?

 **Victoria Jones:** Yeah! This is going to make meeting people so much easier, I was really worried about how I was gonna make friends lol

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Yeah haha

 **Victoria Jones:** She added me to their group chat and her friends are all super cool! If you want I can probably put you in?

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Mmm maybe later, I already had to meet some new people today

 **Victoria Jones:** I understand 👍 You doing okay?

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Yeah, these guys are just,,,, kind of a lot

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Actually if you don’t mind can I come hang out in your room

 **Victoria Jones:** Sure! I’ll put on Space Jam

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Love you Vic <3

 **Victoria Jones:** I love you too <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Misto's room situation is based on my own experience! Freshman year, they dropped three roommates on me with one room. The dorm didn't even have floor plans available, so figuring out where to put stuff and how much room I had to work with was hell. It turned out to be pretty okay, since the four-person rooms were SIGNIFICANTLY bigger than the two-persons.
> 
> Also, for clarity!  
> Victoria is indeed Deaf in this AU! It's one of my favorite headcanons in the world <3 I tried to do as much research about Deafness, but if I ever slip up or get something wrong (though I doubt sign language will occur much in a texting-based story XD) please feel free to correct me!
> 
> Jemima is a foreign exchange student from Belgium; the Deuteronomys (Old D, Munk, and Tugger) were her host family, and they helped her get into Jellicle University.  
> This decision is mostly meant as a tribute to Veerle Casteleyn, who was dubbed in 98 because her accent was allegedly too strong. Which is a damn shame, because I found a clip of Veerle singing and she sounds like an angel!!  
> I also work with a lot of English as a second (or even third!) language students at my job, and they're such a delight!! I used to go to school overseas as well, so I've definitely been on that end of the stick before.
> 
> Also, DelukahDo has a fic with a similar premise going on! It's called "When you're walking alone?" and if you haven't read it then MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING, because it's fucking hilarious and it keeps me going!!


	4. Interior Design, Fun Interviews, and Homosexuals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell yeah, it's finals week and I'm in the home stretch

* * *

July 28th, 2018

GroupMe: Pour One Out For the Stick Up Munk’s Ass 

2:14 PM

**Love Machine:** let me paint you all a picture

 **Love Machine:** friday night at the gay bar that professor gus runs on the side. i make eye contact with a hot twink from across the room and we grind it up on the dance floor. i completely enraptured him with my titanic wang and hes begging me to go down on him

 **Love Machine:** where the hell am i supposed to take him for passionate lovemaking?? into the room that I share with dear innocent coricopat????? highly inappropriate

 **Love Machine:** but if we were to…….say…...push all of our beds together into one room so we have a spare one for extra activities 👀👀👀

 **Slut:** Oh my god we’re NOT going to give you your own personal fuck room

 **Love Machine:** AND JUST LET THAT TWINK FUCKING DIE?

 **Munkustrap:** The bedrooms aren’t very big. Where are we supposed to put our desks if we cram all the beds into one?

 **Love Machine:** well you see the Love Den has multiple purposes!!!! not only will you have a private space for you and your lovemate(s), but it can also be a study room!! We can move all the desks in there and have bookshelves and shit. plus like, a nice futon for obvious reasons

 **Love Machine:** munk i know the horizontal mambo ain’t your jig, but your nerdy ass of all people must know how hard it is to find adequate study space 👀

 **Munkustrap:** You’re,,,, not wrong

 **Bitch:** Ahhh I could use it for morning meditation, since I’m sure none of you want to be woken up at 5 AM to the sound of my daily commune with the powers that be

 **Munkustrap:** Honestly, having a dedicated space for focusing would be beneficial for academic performance. I’m all for it.

 **Love Machine:** OH MY GOD THE LOVE DEN IS HAPPENING,,,, I DIDN’T THINK THIS WOULD WORK SLJFKSFJALSJFLKAJ

 **Slut:** Not so fast, bitch!

 **Slut:** I’m still not convinced. Having a study room is nice and all, but that means I would have to share a room with YOU, and that’s a pretty significant con.

 **Bitch:** We already all share a room, it’s just a very big one. But every day the walls of the world close in around us. The collective hubris of humanity is expanding faster than our physical parameters can accomodate for, and it's only a matter of time before we are crushed under the weight of our own sins. Once we are buried beneath the dirt, we will decay and nourish the new life that springs from our demise. From the dust we were created and to the dust we will inevitably return. We will all be one with each other sooner than you think, so we may as well get comfortable in close quarters. 

**Love Machine:** see???? itll be just like a fun slumber party every night :D

 **Slut:** If I agree, will Coricopat please never say another word again?

 **Bitch:** coward

* * *

**From:** Demeter O’Sullivan <dosul@jellicleu.edu>

 **Recipient:** Tantomile Leclair <tlecl@jelicleu.edu>

 **Subject:** Apartment Application

 **Date:** 07/28/2018

Hello!

I’m Demeter O’Sullivan. I’m interested in applying for your apartment on Russel St.! I got the advertisement from professor Jennings, and while it was VERY informative, I didn’t see a form or application for me to fill out. Do I need to be sending one in? Please let me know what kind of information you will need. Here’s my phone number, if you’d like to contact me that way: (xxx) xxx-xxxx

Looking forward to talking!

Demeter O’Sullivan 

* * *

SMS - Alonzo de León Fernàndez, Munkustrap Deuteronomy 

2:45 PM

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** ALONZO

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** Yes???

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** I GOT AN EMAIL BACK ABOUT THE DIRECTOR APPLICATION

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** ACCEPTED

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** IM CRYING

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** AHH YES THAT’S SO AMAZING DARLING

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** I knew they would!! You deserve this so much!!

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** God there’s so much to do. I need to go over final script edits. I need to review prop resources. I need to assemble a crew. God I’m so excited,,,,,

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Oh are you still going to be able to be my stage manager???

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** Yes of course!

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** Let’s call and brainstorm, I have some ideas about casting

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** I could not be doing this without you,,,

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan 

3:05 PM

**Tantomile Leclair:** Demeter O’Sullivan?

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Yes, who is this?

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Tantomile Leclair, one of the tenents of the residence that you seek to dwell in.

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Oh hi! Nice to meet you!

 **Tantomile Leclair:** There is no form to fill out, in answer to your question. You see, human nature cannot be assessed via standard questionnaires. However, I have my own method that will grant me far more relevant insight.

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Let’s begin. 

**Tantomile Leclair:** How, where, and when do you think you will die?

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Uhhh

* * *

SMS - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Victoria Jones, Electra Watson 

3:32 PM

**Victoria Jones:** I’m planning out my courses and do you guys know what the difference between Intro to Tap Dancing and Tap Dancing for Beginners is? Is one like a prerequisite or something?

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** Take Intro!!! I’m in that class with Electra and Etcetera!! 

**Victoria Jones:** Oh sweet!

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Plato took Beginners, actually. He said that you THINK a lot about tap and you study the basic music and history, but you don’t get to do much dancing

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** He actually failed that class so he’s also going to be in Intro this year

 **Pouncival Sorenson:** damn i love Plato so much,, why isn’t he in this chat

 **Electra Watson:** It would have been a lot of new characters to introduce to Victoria at once, I reckon. Five was already pushing it tbh,,,

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** Freshmen only!! No upperclassmen allowed 🚫🙅👎

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Actually since he failed Beginners, Plato is technically still a freshman like us. He’s one credit short

 **Electra Watson:** Oh my god get his himbo ass in here immediately 

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Yes!!

_Jemima Casteleyn added Plato Kaplan_

**Pouncival Sorenson:** YEAHHHH

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** BROOO

 **Electra Watson:** MY BOY

 **Plato Kaplan:** :D

 **Etcetera Sorenson:** You’re on thin fucking ice buddy :)

 **Plato Kaplan:** D:

 **Jemima Casteleyn:** Plato we’re going to be in Intro to Tap with you!!

 **Plato Kaplan:** Oh dip!!

 **Victoria Jones:** You guys, I’m so glad that I’m going to know a few people when we start classes

 **Plato Kaplan:** I gotchu friend!! I’ll be right there with you, just stick to me and you’ll be fine :)

 **Victoria Jones:** Oh thanks?

 **Electra Watson:** lkgkgkajgslkfjl Plato that’s Victoria, you’ve never met her before

 **Plato Kaplan:** Oh thank god I got really nervous when I didn’t recognize the number and panicked 

**Plato Kaplan:** im so sorry Victoria 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** RIP

* * *

Discord - direct message (Bomb Balls + Mungo Jungo) 

3:43 PM

**Bomb Balls:** Jerrie why tf does the fridge you gave me smell like piss

 **Bomb Balls:** You know what?? I’d rather not know actually

 **Mungo Jungo:** good call

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan 

4:30 PM

**Tantomile Leclair:** Rock, paper, or scissors?

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Gun

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** No wait scissors

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Tugger Deuteronomy 

4:31 PM

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Bastard

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** turd face

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Man whore

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** asshole

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Dickwad 

**Tugger Deuteronomy:** we’re at sonic for 50 cent corndogs do u want anything

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Watermelon slushie please

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** 👍

 **Tugger Deuteronomy:** piss breath 

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Pillow princess 

**Tugger Deuteronomy:** shit stain

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Ass face

* * *

SMS group - Mungojerrie Hardley, Plato Kaplan, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Mistoffelees Jones 

4:39 PM

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Appliances aside what furniture is everyone bringing?

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** basketball hoop

 **Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Mini trampoline

 **Plato Kaplan:** Ant farm

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** Jesus christ

 **Plato Kaplan:** I’m sure he’s a nice guy but I don’t think we’ll have room for a fifth person

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan 

4:45 PM

**Demeter O’Sullivan:** Jellicles can, and Jellicles do, but a better question is if Jellicles SHOULD

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Fascinating...

* * *

Discord - Girl Gang 

5:02 PM

**Oedipussy:** Remember that Canadian film festival I went to last week?? I’ve been thinking about a movie I saw there recently

 **Oedipussy: “** The Man Who Killed Hitler and then The Bigfoot” starring Sam Elliot. We all laughed at it. Why would acclaimed B-list actor Sam Elliot do this to his career?? Turns out he’s a goddamn genius

 **Oedipussy:** Look. Cinema is going through a weird Bigfoot phase right now. We had Son of Bigfoot last year, and now we have Smallfoot, Abominable, and The Missing Link coming up. That’s too many from big studios to be a coincidence. They’re clearly all ripping each other off.

 **Oedipussy:** In The Man Who Killed Hitler, the government sends Sam Elliot to go murder Bigfoot because Bigfoot is carrying a disease that will rapily spread and decimade all of humanity

 **Oedipussy:** Killing Hitler is what specifically qualifies The Man to manhunt Bigfoot. Obviously Hitler is a metaphor for evil and facism. But Bigfoot?? Not only does Bigfoot carry a disease, Bigfoot IS the disease. The disease is all of these Bigfoot movies being made in an attempt to cash in on each other’s success

 **Oedipussy:** And that’s the message, isn’t it? To fix this problem with big film producers, we first have to strike at the heart of society’s systemic oppression of minorities; the practices that are fueled by the rich to make them richer and to make the poor poorer. Creative drive and innovation is flushed down the toilet in favor of maximizing profit. This movie is a fucking WARNING.

 **Bomb Balls:** Dear lord Electra

 **Bomb Balls:** I think you’re looking too deep into a movie titled The Man Who Killed Hitler and then The Bigfoot. 

**Oedipussy:** That’s exactly what the corporate bigwigs want you sheeple to think

 **Bomb Balls:** Okay but your metaphor falls apart if killing Hitler (facism) is a prerequisite for killing Bigfoot (capitalism). Facism is accommodated by capitalism, not the other way around. Sam Elliot should be going after Bigfoot first.

 **Bomb Balls:** Bigfoot’s disease is just an excuse to accommodate the shock value of having Bigfoot in the movie. I’m positive there’s no deeper meaning

 **Oedipussy:** Alkjfslkjsa Bigfoot’s disease can’t be a literal disease because the government goes about killing him VERY incompetently. They sent A SINGLE OLD MAN after him because its symbolism!! It’s definitely not supposed to be grounded in any kind of reality, because I think if a pandemic surrounding a devastating disease were to arise, the government would do better than abuse their abundant resources. I’m sure they’d handle it more competently than that 

**Oedipussy:** I’m telling you this film is predicting the future

 **Bomb Balls:** Yeah whatever

* * *

SMS - Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones 

5:42 PM

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Would you rather have a monkey tail or monkey feet

 **Victoria Jones:** tail

 **Mistoffelees Jones:** you goddamn fucking furry

 **Victoria Jones:** shit

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan 

6:00 PM

**Tantomile Leclair:** Final question: do you have any allergies or other health conditions (physical and/or mental) that we should be aware of?

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Yes, I’m allergic to shellfish and I take meds for anxiety.

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Excellent. I shall be sending you a lease to sign onto promptly. It should arrive in two to three business days.

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** What????

 **Tantomile Leclair:** You’re in. I find your soul’s energy to be most agreeable and harmonious.

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Although I recommend that you drink lavender tea a few times a week.

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Literally nothing you have asked me has anything to do with my background or other personal details?

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** I mean, except that very last question. Don’t you think you should know more about me?

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Not that I’m going to pass up moving in!! It just seems like it would be safer if you knew more about me.

 **Tantomile Leclair:** Whether or not you’ve been arrested before is of little concern. The material trappings of the physical world do not indicate the information I need to know. What I DO need to know is if your aura is compatible with ours.

 **Tantomile Leclair:** You’re fortunate indeed to have contacted me instead of the other two inhabitants of our dwelling. They would not have been so thorough in interviewing as I have been.

 **Demeter O’Sullivan:** Thorough. Right. 

* * *

SMS group - Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah 

6:21 PM

**Cassandra Sabbah:** 🅱eese 🅱orger

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I found our new roommate. Demeter O’Sullivan. I conducted an exhaustive interview with her and she’s perfect. I told her that she should move in by the 9th of August. 

**Bombalurina Roth:** WHAT

 **Bombalurina Roth:** TANTO NEITHER OF US HAVE SPOKEN TO HER YET

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I’ve already mailed out the lease.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** You can’t do that without consulting us!!! 

**Bombalurina Roth:** Do I seriously need to tell you that you need to get the okay from me and Cass first??

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** I’m okay with whomever she chose

 **Cassandra Sabbah:** It’s Tantomile, I trust her 👌

 **Bombalurina Roth:** I mean me too but I’ve been talking to a few people that I thought would have been good!

 **Tantomile Leclair:** I would not have made an executive decision unless I was certain that you would love her. Her vibes were exquisite.

 **Bombalurina Roth:** kalsjfsalkjfafjkaljsllf i can’t stay mad at you Tanto, you’re too whimsical

 **Bombalurina Roth:** She’d better be the woman of my goddamn dreams 

* * *

SMS - Alonzo de León Fernàndez, Munkustrap Deuteronomy 

11: 40 PM

**Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Okay, I think we’ve got some good groundwork laid down.

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** I’ll send out an email to the gang tomorrow morning and see who’s available.

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** You’ve got this ❤️ I know that you’re going to do an amazing job! You’ve worked so hard to get here and you’ve put so much heart into that script. It’s going to be phenomenal!!

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** Thank you so much for all your support,, I love you so much

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** I love you too 😘 

**Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** Fall can’t come fast enough, I miss you

 **Munkustrap Deuteronomy:** It’s only less than three weeks, dear ❤️

 **Alonzo de León Fernàndez:** Any time spent away from you is too long ❤️❤️❤️❤️

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Munkustrap is asexual because I said so
> 
> Also thank you for reading!!! I've been in kind of a depressed funk but reading everyone's comments kept me going :'))))


	5. A Peek At The Inner Life of Demeter While Rumpleteazer Disregards Basic Driving Safety (but not completely)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im finally back from the dead yall

Aug 2nd, 2018

From the diary of Demeter O’Sullivan (entry #1) 

_8/2/2018_

~~_Dear Diary,_ ~~

~~_To Whom It May Concern,_ ~~

~~_Hello, journal!_ ~~

~~_FUCK_ ~~

~~_Oh my god it’s this kind of crippling indecision that landed me face-first into the shitshow of my life to begin with_ ~~

_What’s up, it’s me, ya girl._

_You already knew that. You’re my diary. Who the hell else is going to be reading this?_

_My therapist told me that starting a diary would be a great way to chronologue this new chapter of my life. In the past, I would have agreed to do it because I_ ~~_am_~~ _was a doormat, but this NEW me is going to be 1000000000% more self-confident and assured!!! I am doing this for ME! A year from now, I’m going to flip back through this thing, and I’ll reflect on how far I’ve come!_

_Sorry, the old Demeter can’t come to the phone._

_Why not???_

_Cause she’s_ _DEAD!_

_New town, new school, new me! No more self-pitying!!!_

_~~Okay but what if in trying to reinvent myself I just end up becoming completely fake and lie to myself?? Oh my god what if I turn into an asshole JFC~~ _

_ANYWAYS, I’m gonna try to write in this diary at least a few times a week. I really want to take this seriously, so to motivate me to write more, I bought a really cute fluffy pink notebook from Claire’s with a matching fancy pen, specifically because my ex would have_ _HATED_ _it._

~~_Although, now I’m wondering if continuing to base my decisions off of my ex’s opinions is really doing me any favors…_ ~~

_Is it going to be a mood killer to write all my sad shit in glittery purple ink? Is this just a feeble attempt to re-capture my childhood innocence?_

_Shit. I’m going back to the store._

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals 

2:34 PM

**Rumpleteazer:** nooooooooooo teazer dont get ur driver’s license suspended again ur so sexy ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ;)

 **Bombalurina:** Oh my god

 **Bombalurina:** Your dad is LITERALLY a professional driver?? How the hell are you this bad

 **Rumpleteazer:** what can i say, i am a woman of many talents

 **Munkustrap:** When is the suspension lifted? Are you going to be able to get to work?

 **Rumpleteazer:** im back on the streets in two months. im just gonna bum off of tumble til then ✌✌ 

**Tumblebrutus:** Like hell you will

 **Rumpleteazer:** whatever, ill just steal ur keys

 **Tumblebrutus:** This is exactly why I bought a safe the day you moved in

 **Rumpleteazer:** u say that like it has any chance of stopping me

 **Plato:** Aw man, I keep forgetting that you two are siblings now

 **Tumblebrutus:** God I wish that were me

 **Plato:** It IS you? That’s what we’re talking about

 **Tumblebrutus:** No I mean,,,,,forget about it

 **Plato:** No I’m the one forgetting things 🤔 you’re the brother in law

 **Alonzo:** He’s the step-brother, Plato. 

**Plato:** What’s the difference??

* * *

Discord - Girl Gang

2:37 PM

**Assandra:** Real talk how the hell did Plato make it out of high school

 **Oedipussy:** He’s smart in other ways

 **Oedipussy:** One time in high school we were getting blazed under the bleachers and he perfectly reinvented Emile Durkheim’s sociological theory of functionalism entirely on his own 

**Oedipussy:** He’d never heard of sociology before in his life

 **Oedipussy:** Also for some reason he recalls information way better when he’s stoned so I used to give him my special mini brownie bites before tests

 **Assandra:** Yeah that checks out

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals

2:38 PM

**Alonzo:** A brother-in-law is your spouse’s brother, and a step-brother is the son of your parent’s spouse.

 **Alonzo:** Mr Skimble and Prof Asparagus got married, so that makes their kids (Teazer and Tumble) step-siblings. Ms Jelly and Prof Asparagus are brother and sister so that makes her and Mr Skimble siblings-in-law.

 **Plato:** Wait so what does that make Mr Skimble and Mr Asparagus?

 **Bombalurina:** Gay

 **Electra:** Plato thank you for enabling this exposition

 **Plato:** Np! :D

 **Pouncival:** okay but genealogy gets hella confusing beyond that

 **Plato:** Yeah...its one of those things that just gets weirder to me every day

 **Plato:** Such an oddly specific and yet very varied subject...

 **Mungojerrie:** lkajkadssaj you know what genealogy is but not the difference between a step-person and an in-law??

 **Plato:** Well sure I do

 **Plato:** Seems kind of ineffective to combine genies and family trees into one field of study but who am I to judge what scientists do

_Several people are typing…_

* * *

From the diary of Demeter O’Sullivan (entry #1, cont.) 

_I pulled into the Office Depot parking lot to get a more sensible journal, and sat there for twenty minutes before turning around to go back home. Nobody's even gonna see this but me (hopefully) so it doesn't even MATTER what it looks like! I may as well stick to one that makes me happy! It’s soft and the pages smell like strawberries!_

_Anyways, then I felt bad about going out for absolutely nothing, so I ran into Target for groceries. Now I have three bags of pizza rolls and a carton of almond milk._

_I don't even_ _need_ _groceries! I just feel the need to constantly justify my existence!_

_(Is that because of my own self-doubt or because of the toxic values propagated by exploitative capitalism practices? Questions for later.)_

_I did also get some nice candles, though. I thought it would be a nice housewarming gift for the girls I’m moving in with. I hope they like Midnight Noir Blackberry + Lavender Meadow…_

_Is a candle too tacky? I just really want to make a good first impression. I’ve only talked to Tantomile so far, and if the other two are anything like her...oh boy. Maybe incense would be more appropriate. I feel like they’re the type of people to be into that. Is there even a difference? You just burn shit to make a nice smell._

_I COULD just ask them. Should I be reaching out more? Is it rude to wait for them to make the first move in making contact? I mean, I’ve already signed onto the lease, so it’s not like I would be intruding to reach out to them, right? Besides, it would be weird to show up at their door without having talked to the other three of them!_

_Now, if only I knew what to do about that. I just_ _really_ _don’t want to mess this up, but I also don't know what to do._ ☹

~~_God, it kind of sucks not having anyone tell just me what to do anymore._ ~~

_Great! I'm anxious now._

_All that will have to be a problem for_ _Tomorrow Demeter._

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals 

2:40 PM

**Alonzo:** WH

 **Pouncival:** DDJDJDJDJJDJDDJ

 **Electra:** DKFHSKDKKDNDK PLATO 🤣

 **Cassandra:** skjadksjsljfjflksjdjsajdjflkajf

 **Mungojerrie:** WHAT DO GENIES HAVE TO DO WITH FAMILY LINEAGE

 **Plato:** I DON’T KNOW, BUT CLEARLY SOMETHING, BC GENIE IS RIGHT IN THERE IN THE NAME

 **Munkustrap:** The name comes from “genea", Greek word for generation.

 **Etcetera:** Oh I always thought it from "gene"

 **Plato:** Like DNA genes??

 **Tumblebrutus:** No like Gene fucking Wilder 

**Cassandra:** Would the study of Gene Wilder’s lineage be Gene-genealogy?

 **Etcetera:** Yes, and the study of Gene Wilder’s pants’s lineage would be Gene-jean-genealogy

 **Electra:** If he used a genie wish to get his pants, it would be Gene-jean-genie-genealogy

 **Cassandra:** If the genie was a cherry farmer, it would be Gene-jean-genie-gean-genealogy

 **Bombalurina:** If the genie was married to someone named Gina, it would be Gene-jean-genie-gean-Gina-genealogy

 **Tumblebrutus:** fuck each and every single one of you

3:15 PM

**Cassandra:** Wait Teazer did you say you lost your license?

 **Rumpleteazer:** hell yeah i did lol

 **Cassandra:** You were supposed to pick me up from the airport next week

 **Rumpleteazer:** o shit my bad

 **Cassandra: @everyone** who wants to come get me on the 6th at 7:00 AM

 **Rumpleteazer:** ahahahaha bullet dodged!!! 

**Munkustrap: @Cassandra** I can come get you!

 **Alonzo:** No you can’t, you have a doctor appointment at 8 that day and it’s a two hour drive to the airport. You won’t make it in time.

 **Munkustrap:** I can just reschedule it, it’s fine

 **Alonzo:** I love you but you need new glasses. Get Tugger to pick up Cass

 **Bombalurina:** Munkustrap Deuteronomy do NOT tell me that you are driving without your glasses??

 **Munkustrap:** I'm not!! My prescription is just a few years old and I need to update it. They still work fine!

 **Munkustrap:** But Tugger is the one driving me to the doctor so he won’t be able to get Cass

 **Pouncival:** You can't drive yourself to the doc Munk?

 **Munkustrap:** I can get myself there, but the doctor gives me these eye drops that make me REALLY light sensitive, so I'm practically blind for about an hour

 **Alonzo:** I'm blinded every time I see your radiant handsomeness ❤️

 **Munkustrap:** Aww ❤️❤️❤️

 **Cassandra:** God same

 **Cassandra:** But for real who's going to get me

5:35 PM

**Cassandra:** Don't volunteer all at once everyone now

 **Tumblebrutus:** I guess I can

 **Rumpleteazer:** with what car??

 **Rumpleteazer:** _[photo attachment]_

 **Rumpleteazer:** image description: ME, CRUISIN DOWNTOWN IN THE CAR TUMBLE HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY I COULDNT BREAK INTO 

**Rumpleteazer:** and also im wearing hella cute sunglasses uwu

 **Cassandra:** Important detail, ty

 **Tumblebrutus:** HOW??? 

**Rumpleteazer:** im on my way to sonic for 50 cent corndogs, does anyone want anything

 **Tumblebrutus** : THE KEYS WERE IN THE SAFE _IN MY ROOM_ **_WHICH I HAVE BEEN IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME_ **

**Munkustrap:** TEAZER NO TEXTING AND DRIVING

 **Rumpleteazer** : chill im stopped at a red light im not THAT irresponsible

 **Mungojerrie:** Jeez Munk she's a criminal not an idiot 

**Tumblebrutus:** I’m telling our dads

 **Tumblebrutus:** Oh my god I finally get to see what it feels like to to snitch on your sibling 

**Mungojerrie:** See?? Mutual benefit. She gets her corndogs and you get the satisfaction of being a tattle-tale 

**Pouncival:** From one sibling to another don't let the power go to your head

 **Etcetera:** Yeah sibling rivalry is a slippery slope that usually ends with _both_ of y'all in time-out

 **Tantomile:** Indeed. Revenge is a vicious beast that feasts on itself, and it's hunger is never satisfied.

 **Cassandra:** I'd hate to be the poor bitch who ever gets in your bad side, Miles

 **Tantomile:** That's why I try not to _have_ a bad side. It's for the good of the general public, but even more pressing, such negative energy is simply not good for the spirit.

 **Pouncival:** Okay you know what I've never really understood?? 

**Etcetera:** Literally any concept

 **Pouncival:** When stories have themes about like, the forces of good and evil, and they need to stay in balance. It just seems weird that you would want ANY bad. Wouldn't you want everything to be good all the time??

 **Pouncival:** Like in Star Wars they always talk about restoring balance to the force but would there actually be any problems if like, everyone was on the light side?

 **Electra:** What an excellent segway into my critical analysis of the 2006 animated film Happily N'Ever After

* * *

From the diary of Demeter O’Sullivan (entry #1, cont.) 

_According to the internet, lavender is a great stress-relief so I decided to burn that candle I bought today. I don’t think my housemates will mind very much._

_I ended up just asking Tantomile if we could get everyone together in a video conference soon to go over details together. That way we get to be face-to-face (sort of) AND get to know each other. I’m so proud of myself! Good job, Demeter!_

_The only thing left to figure out is what I’m going to wear and what backdrop I should go for and if I want to wear makeup. You only get one first impression, after all! I need them to think that I’m actually super cool. I’m not cool yet but if I keep acting like it then I eventually will be. Fake it til you make it._

_I think I’ll go for the leather jacket and smokey eye look. Or is that trying too hard? I could just say that I got back from going out, though, so it’s not like I explicitly put it on just for them. But that would be dishonest. Unless I actually go out? I guess I could go get replacement candles. Or incense. But what if they don’t have a burner? Candles are safer._

_But they’re also boring and basic and I’m trying to be less lame now. Damn, what kind of interior decor screams “confident, self-assured badass”? I’ll hit up the Pinterest boards._

_Love,_

_Demeter O'Sullivan_

* * *

Discord- direct message (Bomb Balls + Pussy) 

5:48 PM

**Pussy:** “Can I help you sir?” says the old, wrinkly woman, standing up from his rocking chair with her shakey old woman legs and wrapping her crochet shawl tighter around her elderly frame. She squints, trying to make out who has come to her home with her cataract-clouded eyes.

 **Bomb Balls:** The middle-aged white man dressed in a bland business suit and with a briefcase in hand looks around disdainfully at the idyllic family-owned farm. “Is there a Mr. Johnson that I can speak to?” he asks, stepping over a lump of horse manure with great exaggeration.

 **Pussy:** The old woman shakes her head. “I’m afraid not, seeing as how he passed away some years ago in a very tragic accident shrouded in mystery. I’m his widow, Mrs. Maud Johnson, and any business you have with him you can take up with me.” Though she is frail, she looks the businessman firmly in the eye with unwavering tenacity.

 **Bomb Balls:** “I’m mighty sorry to hear that,” the businessman says with fake sympathy. He opens up his briefcase and extracts a thick stack of official-looking papers, dense with legal jargon. He hands them over to Mrs. Maud Johnson. “I’m from the Business Bank, and I’m afraid that your farm is going bankrupt. You’re going to have to sell everything to me so I can turn it into an apartment complex.” He greedily rubs his hands together as he imagines bulldozers tearing up the orchard and concrete being poured over the meadow.

 **Pussy:** Mrs. Maud Johnson flips through the papers with her thin, bony hands, and gasps. “But sir, my family has owned this farm for generations! I couldn’t sell it.” The wind tousles a few white locks free from the bun her hair is tied in, which fall around her face to frame it. Her shawl slips down her shoulder, revealing skin that has aged like a raisin. “Isn’t there _anything_ I can do to persuade you?” she asks, biting her lip.

 **Bomb Balls:** Tugger this was supposed to be the plot of a horse girl movie, stop trying to turn it into a porno

 **Pussy:** who says it can’t be both

 **Pussy:** oh also are you still on for the debate tomorrow 

**Bomb Balls:** I’m glad you brought it up actually

 **Bomb Balls:** Cass and Tanto elected me as chief judge because they absolutely don’t care, which gives me ultimate authority on the ruling of this fucking stupid case. I have taken the liberty of arranging the perfect system

 **Pussy:**???

 **Bomb Balls:** [link attachment] YOU’VE BEEN INVITED TO JOIN A SERVER: **roommate happy time funsplosion extravaganza**

* * *

Discord - roommate happy time funsplosion extravaganza 

6:00 PM

**→** Welcome, **Pussy**. We’ve been expecting you ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **→** A **Coricopat** has spawned in the server.

 **→ MunkDeuteronomy** just joined. Everyone, look busy!

 **→** Swoooosh. **Hola-soy-milk** just landed. 

**Bomb Balls:** Since the “problem” is “imbalance of the power dynamic” I have set up a server with a 5th party moderator to regulate activity. NONE of you own the chat.

 **Hola-soy-milk:** Yeah, okay, I can live with you has moderator. That seems fair enough

 **Bomb Balls:** Oh no, you are mistaken

 **Bomb Balls:** I’M not the moderator

**→** Welome, **Sillabubble**! Leave your weapons by the door.

**Bomb Balls:** She is.

 **Sillabubble:** Hello!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Munkustrap wears glasses because i said so


	6. Things Are Getting Heated In the Breakfast Fandom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry for being the slowest writer on the planet but thanks for thinking im funny yall :DDD

* * *

Aug 5th, 2018

SMS group - Mungojerrie Hardley, Plato Kaplan, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Mistoffelees Jones

3:00 PM

**Mistoffelees Jones:** and that’s the story of how my uncle won custody of me and my sister in a Denny’s parking lot

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Where did he get the swords from on such short notice

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Ah he keeps a pair of rapiers in the trunk of his car just in case he ever needs to invoke a gentlemen’s duel 

**Mistoffelees Jones:** He has stabbed a lot of people in a lot of parking lots

**Mistoffelees Jones:** He’s my biggest role model…..

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** sick...ive BEEN stabbed by a lot of people in a lot of parking lots

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** that’s how I met my ex actually, it was crazy

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** also how we broke up lmao

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** last year was crazy

**Plato Kaplan:** Omg same……...last year was when I found out that birds don’t have nipples

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Wh

**Plato Kaplan:** Like, looking back it makes sense that they wouldn’t? But I always just assumed before that they did

**Plato Kaplan:** I guess that just goes to show that you should always try to be aware of and examine your preconceived biases

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** dont pigeons actually lactate though??

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Yeah, but it comes from inside their throats

**Plato Kaplan:** That’s a terrible place to have nipples

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** not really, you could cream your milk as you’re drinking it

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** i could think of worse places

**Mistoffelees Jones:** I’m begging you to not

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** for instance, consider the ear canal

* * *

SMS - Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones

3:23 PM

**Victoria Jones:** Hey

**Victoria Jones:** You should let me add you to the groupchat I’m in with Jemima and her friends, they’re super fun

**Victoria Jones:** I mean you already know Tumblebrutus and Plato sooooooo 👀👀👀

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Is Mungojerrie also in it

**Victoria Jones:** Who’s Mungojerrie

**Mistoffelees Jones:** You’ve convinced me, I’m in

  
  


* * *

SMS group - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Victoria Jones, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Electra Watson

3:25 PM

**Electra Watson:** and that’s how Nickelodeon’s Barnyard not only takes place in the same universe as George Orwell’s Animal Farm, but is in fact a direct sequel to it

**Etcetera Sorenson:** But that’s just a theory….a film theory

_ Victoria Jones added Mistoffelees Jones. _

**Victoria Jones:** this is the brother I was telling you guys about!!

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Hello, it’s me, Victoria’s Brother

**Plato Kaplan:** Hi Misto!!

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Eyyyyy whaddup homeslice

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Hello, I’m Jemima!! Vic’s roommate!

**Victoria Jones:** I already gave him everyone’s names and numbers, so no need for intros!

**Electra Watson:** Thank goodness, having an entire long-ass bit where people just introduce themselves would have been boring as fuck

**Electra Watson:** I’m glad that shit gets taken care of offscreen

**Etcetera Sorenson:** Honestly who the hell would want to sit through that? I’d be dead by the end of it

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Electra I just backread your entire Barnyard/Animal Farm analysis and can I live with you instead of Mungojerrie

**Mistoffelees Jones:** and if I may add Otis is trans

**Electra Watson:** Oh lord i forgot for a moment that your’re gonna live with him

**Electra Watson:** But you’re 10000000% right about Otis and so my door will always be open for you

**Plato Kaplan:** If it makes you feel any better, he’s probably not gonna be in the dorm very much. He’s super social so the only time he’ll really be in the room is to sleep

**Plato Kaplan:** And last year he had a ton of sleepovers with another friend of ours, Rumpleteazer, so he’ll probably do that again this time around

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Well, since Teazer is rooming with her cousin this time I don’t think Jerrie is gonna spend a lot of time in there this year

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Which cousin is this???

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Ohh Bomba told me about her!!

**Jemima Casteleyn:** She had a funny name

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Uhh 

**Jemima Casteleyn:** King Julien

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Oh you weren’t kidding

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Nononononono the kind of animal he is!!!!!!!!!!

**Pouncival Sorenson:** Lemur???

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Yes!! That’s it

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Huhhh

* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley, Tumblebrutus Lloyd

3:37 PM

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** So you have a cousin named Lemur?

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** yea, didnt u meet her at the wedding??

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** No????

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** oh u must have missed her. she left early bc she is very shy uwu

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Isn’t your dad an only child?

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** yea

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** So how is Lemur your cousin

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** she’s adopted

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Oh ok

  
  


* * *

Discord - roommate happy time funsplosion extravaganza

4:14 PM

**Pussy:** motion to have nicknames

**Coricopat:** seconded

**_Sillabubble_ ** _ changed  _ **_Pussy_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_The Rat Tongue Trucker_ ** _. _

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** thanks luv

**Sillabubble:** np uwu

**Coricopat:** What about me

**_Sillabubble_ ** _ changed  _ **_Coricopat_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_Cork Pee Cat_ ** _. _

**Cork Pee Cat:** perfect

**Hola-soy-milk:** Do I get one too

**_Sillabubble_ ** _ changed  _ **_Hola-soy-milk_ ** _ ’s nickname to  _ **_Slut_ ** _. _

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** full circle

  
  


* * *

SMS group - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Electra Watson

5:15 PM

**Jemima Casteleyn:** So what do you guys even talk about?

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Oh, you know…..

* * *

SMS group - Mungojerrie Hardley, Plato Kaplan, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Mistoffelees Jones

5:15 PM

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** all im saying is that with a pigeon producing both eggs AND milk you have two out of three ingredients you need for french toast

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** it’s the ultimate breakfast bird

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** im gonna entrepreneur the SHIT out of this

  
  


* * *

SMS group - Jemima Casteleyn, Tumblebrutus Lloyd, Mistoffelees Jones, Victoria Jones, Etcetera Sorenson, Pouncival Sorenson, Electra Watson

5:16 PM

**Mistoffelees Jones:** Breakfast food……

**Electra Watson:** I think it’s weird that breakfast has so many social taboos around it. Like, having pancakes for lunch is weird?? And “breakfast for dinner” is a whole thing, like we don’t separate other food into specifically “lunch” and “dinner” categories 

**Electra Watson:** Lunch and dinner are really interchangeable then there’s Breakfast, the black sheep of the meal family

**Etcetera Sorenson:** What about brunch

**Electra Watson:** Shit

**Victoria Jones:** “breakfast for dinner” is the forbidden love child of dinner and breakfast

**Electra Watson:** When will the lovers be united...goddamnit I want to drink milk at dinner without my parents telling me that I’m a disappointment 

**Etcetera Sorenson:** Milk at dinner??

**Pouncival Sorenson:** What the actual shit Electra!?!?

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Disgusting 

**Victoria Jones:** Kinda gross honestly

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** You fucking disgrace

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals

6:30 PM

**Tugger:** yall….why doesnt apple juice have a pulp option 🤔

**Bombalurina:** Literally fuck off

**Alonzo:** Excuse me??

**Tugger:** im sitting here sipping my orange juice and enjoying the pulp and i think

**Rumpleteazer:** SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

**Tugger:** “i wish apple juice were like this”

**Plato:** You could water it down with applesauce

**Alonzo: @Cassandra** not to backseat mod but I feel like this is grounds for a ban

**Tugger:** im sorry do you have something against pulp?? did pulp kill your parents????

**Mungojerrie:** yes actually

**Tantomile:** You either eat fruit or drink fruit, you can’t do both

**Rumpleteazer:** MMMMM i love stringy bits of fruit flesh in my teeth when im tryna drink something yummy

**Rumpleteazer:** thats what you sound like stinky man >:(

**Tugger:** I WANT TO ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE OF BITING INTO AN ORANGE WITHOUT GETTING JUICE ALL OVER MY HANDS

**Coricopat:** Eat your orange with a fork and knife Tugger? 

**Munkustrap:** NO

**Mungojerrie:** [image attachment]

**Mungojerrie:** Image desc: EVERYONE DISLIKED THAT

**Alonzo:** YOU LITERALLY AREN’T GETTING THE TEXTURE IM SO MAD

**Electra Watson:** lkajdklsadslk y’all should see the milk argument we’re having 

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** FUCK YOU ELECTRA

**Rumpleteazer:** Milk pulp………..

**Bombalurina:** FUCK OFF

**Jemima Casteleyn:** Water pulp?

**Tugger:** apple pulp would have bits of skin, i think

**Munkustrap:** I hate it here

**Mungojerrie:** Pulpy water would be like a jelly texture

**Etcetera Sorenson:** Oh have you guys seen the thicc water video

**Munkustrap:** The

**Munkustrap:** _ what _

**Etcetera Sorenson:** [ **https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFrfLkHlfOU** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFrfLkHlfOU)

**Rumpleteazer:** alksjdkjdsjdslajda HE LOOKS SO DEPRESSED

**Tugger:** me when i have to drink 🅱️oneless juice 

**Alonzo:** The feeling of pulp in your mouth is equivalent to dirty dish water

**Tugger: BUT THE TASTE**

**Alonzo:** LITERALLY WHAT TASTE YOU PIECE OF **_SHIT_ **

**Coricopat:** I do not like orange juice to begin with so this is just a real bad day for me

**Tugger:** ILL BET YALL ALSO PICK OFF ALL THE STRINGY BITS WHEN YOU EAT ORANGES HUH??? YOU BABIES

**Alonzo:** WHAT IF I DO?? HUH??

**Tugger:** OH YOUR ORANGES HAVE TO BE AS WELL MANICURED AS YOUR NAIL BEDS HHUH?? 

**Alonzo:** WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT IT BITCH????? I’LL KICK YOUR ASS

**Jemima: 👀🍿**

**Bombalurina:** Tugger sometimes I think you’re a treasure and sometimes I think you’re a social experiment

**Tugger:** COME AT ME, MY PANTS ARE ALREADY OFF AND MY RIPE ASS IS READY FOR YOUR PEDICURED FOOT

**Rumpleteazer: 👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿👀🍿**

**Tugger:** you know that bible story about the king who was real fuckin thicc and he got stabbed but he was so thicc the knife got stuck?????????

**Tugger: that’s my ass and your foot real soon**

**Bombalurina:** I sincerely regret befriending any of you

**Electra:** Okay but the guy in that video,, I’ve never seen a more broken man

**Plato:** Haha imagine swimming in a giant pool of thick water

**Etcetera:** OKAY BUT HE CHUGGED TWO FULL LITERS IN 20 SECONDS WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE

**Tugger:** so when i chug tow full liters of pulpy orange juice im a freak of nature who needs to be stopped, but when he does it with THICC WATER hes a national treasure??????????? homophobic 

**Munkustrap:** Technically all apple ciders are pulped apple juice

**Tantomile:** Its true, apple pulp is finer than orange pulp and thus has different culture

**Tugger:** pretty classist against orange juice if u ask me

**Plato:** Man, late stage capitalism has really gone too far

**Plato:** Like, what’s even the point of being a developed nation if its citizens can’t live in security?

**Electra:** Rich people disgust me...creating arbitrary boundaries between foods to trick people into spending more money so they can live in luxury while the proletariat suffer

**Tugger:** im living in luxury right this second with a big frothy glass of high pulp orange juice

**Munkustrap:** I need everybody to know that I watched Tugger stick a whole unpeeled orange into a blender and then pour it onto a glass with juice. He downed it all in seconds

**Rumpleteazer:** a challenger approaches for thicc water chugger

**Bombalurina:** Where the hell is Cass when someone needs to be banned

**Tantomile:** She’s on a flight from Beirut about now

**Bombalurina:** Damn it

* * *

  
  


Discord - direct message (Tantokilometer + Assandra)

6:53 PM

**Assandra:** I paid for in-flight wi-fi actually, but they don’t need to know that

**Assandra:** I’ve been handing this old dude sitting in front of me his wrinkly ass at Words With Friends for the last hour

**Tantokilometer:** Icon

  
  


* * *

SMS - Tumblebrutus Lloyd, ???

7:01 PM

**???:** Hello!! 😄

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Hi who is this?

**???:** Oh, sorry, I’m Rumpleteazer’s cousin Lemur Zeprate!

**Lemur Zeprate:** Ahh we didn’t get to meet at uncle Skimble’s wedding because I had to leave early. 😅

**Lemur Zeprate:** But Teazer has told me some about you and I’m excited to have new family members! Aaaaaand since we’re going to be in college together I thought I should introduce myself!

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Oh, well hi cousin! Nice to “meet” you lol

**Tumblebrutus Lloyd:** Excited about starting school?

**Lemur Zeprate:** You bet!!

  
  


* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley, Lemur Zeprate

7:04 PM

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** did he take the bait

**Lemur Zeprate:** Like a fly to honey

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** hehehehehehehehehehehe

**Lemur Zeprate:** Hehehehehehehehehehehehe

  
  


* * *

Discord - direct message (Hola-soy-milk + Pussy)

7:10 PM

**Hola-soy-milk:** I don’t know, I guess I just have trouble feeling content with myself? Like, people say “you can always improve” and some part of me has always taken that as “you’ll never be good enough” you know? 

**Pussy:** all too well bro, it’s a fine line to balance

**Pussy:** i think its because there really isn’t one solid picture of what a perfectly good person looks like? morality is such an abstract concept that everybody on the planet has a different understanding of that coming up with a universal example of perfection just isn’t possible

**Hola-soy-milk:** Yeah, that’s exactly the problem. I can hypothetically live up to my own standards, but what about the standards of the people in my life?

**Hola-soy-milk:** And in theory I understand that it shouldn’t matter what other people think of me, but in some capacity it absolutely does matter? Obviously you’d want to be the type of person that people like, because people liking you is a pretty good indicator that you’re doing something right

**Pussy:** its the age old question of “am i a good person for the sake of being good, or am i only being nice so people like me” that keeps me up at night

**Hola-soy-milk:** The way that I reason it is, if you’re THAT worried about having selfish motivations to the point that it really actually bothers you, then it just means that you care enough about your friends that you want to do right by them. I don’t think bad people worry too much about taking advantage of their friends

**Pussy:** truth 🙌

**Hola-soy-milk:** And kind of tying that back into my original point, being concerned and aware of how you can improve, and actively working to improve, is a really good thing, but being constantly aware of your own faults is exhausting

**Pussy:** well thats why you gotta look back sometimes and see how far you’ve come and what your strengths are. You gotta have some appreciation for your good qualities, even if they  _ could  _ be better

**Pussy:** if you keep comparing yourself to other people, youll never stack up because everyone is different

**Hola-soy-milk:** Tugger I know we fight and bicker a lot but, but you’re a good friend and a good person

**Pussy:** hhhhh thanks man,, youre a good person and a good friend too 

**Hola-soy-milk:** Anyways once I finish swimming across the ocean to personally throttle you, I’m going to destroy every orange tree on the planet and cause such a crash to the ecosystem that the planet implodes and nobody will ever have to even think about your disgusting pulp every again

**Pussy:** alonzo wait!! before u kill me……….

**Pussy:** whats ur favorite fruit…………..

**Hola-soy-milk:** Blueberries

**Pussy:** ur favorite fruit = how big ur balls are

**Hola-soy-milk:** FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey please actually watch that link to the guy drinking water. it is an experience that everyone should see
> 
> to my dear friends: i do not actually like pulp. i was simply using you for a bit in my cats the musical fanfiction. i am a mastermind of manipulation.


	7. Daylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it must be a blue moon because here's a new chapter

* * *

Aug 6th, 2018

  
  


SMS - Mungojerrie Hardley, Rumpleteazer Harley 

4:57 AM

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** [image attachment]

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** look at this dead possum we drove past

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** wake up jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** im bored

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

* * *

Mungojerrie Hardley’s call history 

4:59 AM

_37 missed calls from Rumpleteazer Harley._

* * *

Discord - Girl Gang 

5:22 AM

**Rumpletitties:** [video attachment]

 **Rumpletitties:** video/audio desc: its still fucking dark outside, we’re zoomin down the highway, and tumblebrutus is screaming the lyrics to some high school musical 3 song. the camera pans to me, and i look like the roadkill possum we passed 3 miles ago because i had to wake up for this bullshit an HOUR ago

 **Tantokilometer:** You’re going to the airport after all?? 

**Rumpletitties:** dad made me go >:((( so me and tumble can “bond” since hes “family” and i “need to be nicer to him” 

**Assandra:** What the hell the 3rd one is literally the worst?????

 **Assandra:** He deserves to be bullied

 **Assandra:** Spit in his drink

 **Rumpletitties:** >:)))

 **Rumpletitties:** hey wait arent u in a plane rn

 **Assandra:** Yeah I’m looking down at you right now

 **Assandra:** I’m waving, wave back

 **Rumpletitties:** 👋

 **Rumpletitties:** arent phone signals supposed to interfere with the planes radar or some shit????

 **Assandra:** Yes, in fact we’re about to crash into the ocean but Miles sent me a picture of a cool bug she found so I had no other choice put to look at it

 **Tantokilometer:** 💕

 **Sillabubble:** Oh so many of us are awake!!

 **Rumpletitties:** jem isnt it past your bedtime????

 **Sillabubble:** Nooo I woke up to watch the sunrise! It’s just something that I like to sometimes do because I’m very cute like that 

**Rumpletitties** : god ur such a adorable lil sunflower

 **Sillabubble:** (^‿^✿)

 **Tantokilometer:** It’s a weekly activity we do together. Sunrises are good for your energy, after all. They’re so very resorative.

 **Rumpletitties:** OOOOOH ill make tumble pull over in a bit and we'll join you!!

 **Tantokilometer:** Wonderful idea! I’ll get Coricopat to join us too, since he’s also awake for separate reasons.

 **Rumpletitties:** what reasons?

 **Tantokilometer:** Oh you know

* * *

Twitch stream - Cori_in_the_house 

**|You are an enemy human that has been shrunk to the size of an ant to infiltrate an ant colony and I’m the Queen Ant SFW ASMR| (patreon request) • 37 minutes ago**

5:24 AM

Stream chat 

**Mangocherry:** your highness, let's continue to excavate this tunnel, it definitely won't lead us to an anteater den

 **🌙👁️👁️🌙:** //ooc: omg thank you for doing my request im a huge fan!!

 **Horrible_muddle:** ahahahah my queen, what else those mandibles do....

* * *

Discord - Girl Gang 

5:23 AM

**Tantokilometer:** He went to meditate by the stream 

**Assandra:** Yes he did

 **Rumpletitties:** huhhhhhh

 **Rumpletitties:** anyways if i have to be up at the asscrack of dawn im gonna make it everyone else’s problem

 **Rumpletitties:** jemmy go wake up munk and tugger and bomba

 **Sillabubble:** :DDDD!!!!

* * *

SMS - Mungojerrie Hardley, Rumpleteazer Harley 

5:34 AM

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** that possum looks like my ex lol

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** JERRIE!!!!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDD 

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** TEAZER!!!

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** are you busy rn

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** im actually kind of in the middle of something

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** my sweet little boy when is the last time you saw the sunrise

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** i heard sunrises turn you gay so blacked out all my windows 

**Rumpleteazer Harley:** come oooooooooooon a bunch of us are gonna watch the sunrise together!! :)

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** hhhhhhh i hate being friends with gays

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** this is the shit they pull. waking up at this ungodly hour while we eat bread we baked ourselves and talk about gender and communism because it's ~*aesthetic*~ and we're a ~*found family*~ i hate it here. 

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** are we also gonna meet up for brunch dressed in clashing patterns and get iced coffee too??

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** jerrie are you a HOMOPHOBE

 **Mungojerrie Hardley:** im gay

 **Rumpleteazer Harley:** youre avoiding the question 🔫

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals 

5: 45 AM

**Jemima:** Tugger and Munk were both already awake but Bomba's here too now!!

 **Rumpleteazer:** me and tumble pulled over!! we're watching!!!!

 **Munkustrap:** I honestly didn't even realize how late it got

 **Bombalurina: @Munkustrap @Jemima @Tugger** one of you get the coffee maker started pls

 **Munkustrap:** I made a fresh pot a few minutes ago

 **Bombalurina:** WHY have you been up so long

 **Munkustrap:** Just editing some writing for a project

 **Munkustrap:** I need to tell you guys about it later, it's actually a pretty big deal

 **Tugger:** Did you finally get 1000 kudos on your Star Trek fic

 **Munkustrap:** That's not what I was talking about

 **Munkustrap:** But yes actually!!

 **Tugger:** oh shit congrats

 **Bombalurina:** Dare I ask what Tugger was also doing up

 **Mungojerrie:** uh more like a question of _who_ amiright akadjskdjsjsjdjdj

 **Tugger:** ;))))))

**Coricopat: 👀👀👀**

**Jemima:** GUYS GUYS GUYS HERE IT COMES GUYS!!!!!!

 **Rumpleteazer:** YOOOOO

 **Mungojerrie:** oh damn that shit is majestic as fuck

 **Bombalurina:** Radiant

 **Munkustrap:** Breathtaking

 **Tantomile:** Effervescent

 **Tumblebrutus:** bro last time i saw one of these things is when grandpa Gus woke up me up at 4 AM to tell me that when he lived in his first apartment the air conditioner was so loud that sometimes it would wake him up before dawn, and instead of going back to sleep he would walk four blocks to this bakery and sleep on the bench outside until the sun rose and the bakery owner would come to open up the shop and then he’d give my grandpa a free bagel and they’d read and talk about the news together, and that man became his first boyfriend, and they broke up later because the bakery owner never wanted to go see any of grandpa’s theater performances since he had a grudge against the stage manager for her side gig breeding golden retrievers, but anyways grandpa told me all of that because he had a dream about bagels just suddenly remembered that anecdote from his past, and it put him in the mood for bagels, but we didn’t have any at the house and he wanted me to walk with him to this 24-hour cafe down the street to get some, so we went and got some, and on our way back we saw the sunrise. It was a nice little moment.

 **Bombalurina:** God that’s so on brand for Mr Gus

 **Cassandra:** What an iconic old man

 **Rumpleteazer:** now that hes also MY grandpa am i also gonna get to go on wacky adventures with him

 **Mungojerrie:** yes and you gotta start coming up with nicknames for him

 **Rumpleteazer:** pawpaw. gumpy. lollipops. peepaw. gramps.

 **Cassandra:** the five genders

 **Tugger:** tag yourself im peepaw

 **Tugger:** SKDKEKDKWK GUYS

 **Tugger:** [image attachment]

 **Tugger:** image desc: Munk is CRYING yall

 **Tumblebrutus:** WHAT FOR

 **Munkustrap:** God I’m just,, I’m thinking about having kids and grandkids one day. Children are just so good and precious,,, I really want one one day you guys,,,

 **Mungojerrie:** you can adopt ME <3 and buy me food and clothes and drive me to soccer practice

 **Munkustrap:** Jerrie, I don’t tell you often enough how much I admire your resourcefulness and intelligence. You’re a very talented and worthwhile person. I hope you know that.

 **Mungojerrie:** oh shit i wasnt prepared for this what tf is happening

 **Tantomile:** The sunset is taking effect. It will be your turn soon enough

 **Munkustrap:** I’m just thinking about the future and where our lives are going and how I’m so happy that all of you have been a part of mine, and I’m so proud of everyone for coming this far

 **Munkustrap:** All of you are going to amazing places and are gonna do amazing things. I just need you guys to know how loved all of you are

 **Cassandra:** I wish my parents believed in me as much as Munkustrap does alskjakldsjdalkd

 **Bombalurina:** Munk we love you too 💕 You’re gonna be such a good dad one day

 **Rumpleteazer:** fuckckkkckckc im crying now!! ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; 

**Rumpleteazer:** u gays r my best friends!!!!

 **Mungojerrie:** i feel like i should be saying somethn profound but im honestly just staring right at the sun and vibing super hard knowing that my friends love me

 **Rumpleteazer:** see jerrie <3 being gay isn't so bad

 **Coricopat:** It's alright to simply sit with your emotions sometimes. They exist to be felt, and you don't need to do anything to prove that they're real. They're real and valid because you feel them and nobody can take that away from you.

 **Mungojerrie:** thanks man

 **Coricopat:** The belief that we must constantly justify our existence and emotions to the world is a result of our capitalism-influenced culture. We have to earn the privilege to live every day, through debts and labor. Every breath we take has a price that is bought with blood, sweat, and tears.

 **Tumblebrutus:** oh here we go

 **Coricopat:** This is the major source of conflict today; we live in a system that, by giving a human life numerical value based on income and generated revenue, is able to rank people above one another.

 **Coricopat:** The absolute truth, though, is that all people have worth. Putting more value in the dollar than a human life is the most disastrous folly to have ever been made. As anarcho-communist Peter Kropotkin put it, "In fact, we know full well today that it is futile to speak of liberty as long as economic slavery exists."

 **Coricopat:** Capitalism would have believe that we were born to work and that we must spend our entire lives proving our worth. But we were not born with any purpose but to define what our purpose is on our own terms.

 **Rumpleteazer:** if i say peacock nobody bats an eye

 **Rumpleteazer:** but the moment i say poopcock--

 **Cassandra:** Top 10 Anime Societies 

**Mungojerrie:** i dont think any computer could ever possibly simulate the shit y’all say, which is a constant comfort to me in terms of the authenticity of reality

 **Bombalurina:** thank you coricopat for our daily anti-capitalism propaganda

 **Tumblebrutus:** you're really getting a lot of mileage out of that economics/philosophy double major you dropped 

**Jemima:** Wait Cori did you really do that??

 **Coricopat:** Yes. But then I realized that doing a funny little dance and being able to lift my leg up real high made me a lot happier than thinking about the evils of capitalism all day

 **Cassandra:** Fr, I walk into a party and do the splits and everyone cheers but when I start talking about Marxist feminism theory suddenly I'm a killjoy

 **Bombalurina:** other students be like: "I have a deeply nuanced and complex reason for choosing this career path"

 **Bombalurina:** Jellicle University hoes be like: "ehehehehe shake my ass and be gay lol"

**Rumpleteazer: @Tugger**

**Munkustrap: @Tugger**

**Jemima: @Tugger**

**Mungojerrie: @Tugger**

**Tantomile: @Tugger**

**Coricopat: @Tugger**

**Bombalurina: @Tugger**

**Cassandra: @Tugger**

**Tumblebrutus: @Tugger**

**Tugger:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Munkustrap:** for real though, there's a horrifying alternate universe where I majored in business and only wear polos and it scares me to think about it

 **Mungojerrie:** can u believe I almost went to trade school for plumbing 

**Tumblebrutus:** I really wasted a year of my life as a phys ed major before I realized I could get a bachelor’s in backflips

 **Jemima:** We all could have gone down such different paths and we would have different friends and different lives...this life is such a good one because of you 💕💕 I'm so happy I met all of you!! 

**Mungojerrie Hardley:** yeah...me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell i was drunk on I Love My Friends Juice while i was writing this aklsdajdakdlsd


	8. Things Are Changing

August 6th, 2018

  
  


SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley, Skimbleshanks Harley

7:00 AM

**Skimbleshanks:** Hello dear, how is the car ride? Have you made it to the airport yet? I hope you are remembering to be nice to your step-brother. Love, Dad

**Rumpleteazer:** We’re almost there! And don't worry, I’m not being mean to him at all :3

**Skimbleshanks:** What does that mean? Love, Dad

**Rumpleteazer:** What does what mean?

**Skimbleshanks:** “:3” Love, Dad

**Rumpleteazer:** Turn your phone sideways.

**Skimbleshanks:** Oh! It looks like a little face! Love, Dad

**Rumpleteazer:** Yeah, it’s called an emoticon. Old school emojis.

**Skimbleshanks:** I’m old school! :3! Love, Dad

**Rumpleteazer:** You sure are, dad,,,,.

* * *

The Airport, 7:34 AM

“Shouldn’t she have landed by now?” Tumblebrutus asked, checking his watch again. He and Rumpleteazer had been waiting at the arrival gate for nearly an hour, and he had already gotten bored of all the games on his phone. He idly scrolled through Instagram, not actually looking at any of the pictures, just absorbing new information faster than his brain could process any of it. He wondered for a moment if this was why he nearly failed high school before a cute video of a rat going through an obstacle course caught his attention and distracted him from the notion of how damaging the instant gratification of the internet probably was for developing minds.

Teazer rummaged through her backpack for something and hummed. “She could just be unboarding last. You know, to avoid--ah, here it is!” She triumphantly extracted a dented, crumpled-up poster board. She stood and unfolded it, holding it high above her head. Passing travellers eyed it curiously.

Tumblebrutus leaned over to read it. He cleared his throat. “Um, watcha got there, Teazer?”

“A welcome home sign for Cassandra, of course!”

“She’s  _ blind,  _ Teazer.”

“That’s why I wrote it in Braille, dipshit.” She gestured at the black dots she had scribbled on it with...a strawberry scented marker?

“I don’t think that’s how it--”

“THERE SHE IS!” Teazer violently thrusted the sign into Tumblebrutus’s hands and zoomed towards the gate, where Cassandra had appeared, dragging a large leopard-print suitcase behind her. “CASSIE!” she squealed. 

As Teazer approached, Cassandra thwacked her ankle with her cane.

_ “Fuck,” _ Teazer winced. 

“Oops,” Cassandra said with no remorse. “Hi there, Teazer.”

“Hey, Cassie,” Teazer said through tears. “Hhhhhhow was the flight?”

“It sucked ass,” Cassandra said with a grin, pulling Teazer into a tight hug and lifting her off the ground just a little bit. “God, I’m so fucking happy to be back!” After letting go, she handed Teazer her suitcase. “But I also have a shit the size of baby that’s been begging to be released for five hours, so I’ll be right back. Where…?”

Teazer directed her towards the bathroom, and Cassandra booked it.

Tumblebrutus sidled up. “Hey,” he whispered, “how do you think she knows when to stop w--”

“Tumble that’s so  _ fucking  _ disgusting,” Teazer interrupted, punching him in the shoulder. “Oh my god, I’m so telling her you asked that, you gross freak!” Cackling, she ran into the bathroom after Cassandra. 

“ _ Wait, no, please-- _ ”

* * *

Discord - Girl Gang

7:45 AM

**Rumpletiddies:** [image attachment]

**Rumpletiddies:** image desc: ITS ME AND CASSIEEEEE!!!!!!!! WE GOT HER BACK YALL!!!!!!!! 

**Bomb Balls:** YESS!!!!!

**Tantokilometer:** Welcome back!

**Sillabubble:** Cassie!!!!! :DDDDD!!!!!!

**Bomb Balls:** I’m heading out to our new place in a few minutes to start moving shit in so we’ll meet you there in a few hours!!! Can’t wait to see you!!

**Sillabubble:** I’m coming along too so I can help you guys out!!

**Assandra:** AW HELL YEAH I missed Jem hugs!!!!! I cannot wait to smooch your face you precious child. I brought a box of baklava just for you 💕💕💕

**Sillabubble:** :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Assandra:** Oh also! Miles I did what you asked and brought you a jar of dirt. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to get that past security

**Assandra:** What are you going to do with it anyways??

**Tantokilometer:** It’s for my worm farm. I thought they could use some culture.

**Etc etc:** _ w o r m f a r m ? _

**Tantokilometer:** Correct. Do you have a problem with my children?

**Etc etc:** I mean no but like,, seems like an unconventional pet is all

**Tantokilometer:** We were all born from the earth and inevitably we will return to it. Having the worms around is a constantly humbling presence. No matter how great I think of myself, they will one day gorge themselves upon the shell of my body when my soul departs from this world. All creatures become a feast for the worms; this is our only destiny, and there is no way to run from it.

**Tantokilometer:** And also, they’re great for composting.

**Assandra:** Tell that to the pharaohs lol

**Bomb Balls:** I heard there’s that new trend of getting your body turned into a reef for endangered sea animals, and they mix your ashes with concrete so it doesn’t erode

**Tantokilometer:** I’ll have to think about this.

**Assandra:** I was gonna have my ashes turned into a diamond necklace that hangs around a bust of myself (specifically that bust I did of myself for that one sculpting class we all took together last summer) but on the back of my head is indent in the exact shape of the diamond, and if you press the diamond into it then my skull pops off and inside of the bust is a map that leads to my vast fortune, which will be bequeathed onto whoever can find it first. 

After solving all my riddles and travelling to all corners of the globe to seek my treasures, the map will lead them to a lone cedar tree that stands in quiet dignity atop a mountain. The tree’s seed will have been planted on the day of my funeral, and because solving the clues will take at least thirty years, allowing the tree to grow to a healthy twenty-five feet.

As the traveler approaches, a pair of old souls shall step out from behind the tree. It is Tantomile and Coricopat, with whom I have entrusted the care of this tree. They are still alive after all of these years because they achieved immortality. They shall recite the entirety of the Navy Seal speech in perfect unison, and then deliver an intricately carved wooden box. This box is carved from the wood of the tree that previously stood in place of my cedar. It will have been chopped down and replaced with mine to establish my dominance over the region. 

The diamond necklace is the key to this box. Upon opening it, the music of Rick Astely’s Never Gonna Give You Up will be triggered, and the traveler’s eye will be drawn to a small sheet of paper, upon which is written my message:  _ The real treasure is the friends we made along the way. _ There is no fortune; I spent all of it setting up this elaborate but emotionally fulfilling journey.

**Cock taser:** Okay you are telling us all of these secrets so that kind of ruins the plot twist

**Rumpletiddies:** Electra what happened to your old name

**Cock taser:** I don’t think enough people got the joke so I changed it to something more obvious

**Assandra:** I thought it was pretty funny

**Sillabubble:** I never understood it :(

**Etc etc:** tbh me either sorry pal

**Rumpletiddies:** also me either but im specifically NOT sorry for it

**Cock taser:** Y’all know anything about Freud 

**Bomb Balls:** No, and I want it to stay that way

**Cock taser:** Well it had an intricate and multi-layered meaning and I was kinda proud of it but I guess there’s no point in explaining it now 

**Etc etc:** Hey Cassie who is that funeral quest for?? You spoiled the ending for us so would be no point in going through all that trouble now

**Assandra:** Well first of all, I’m sad that you would pass up the opportunity to go on a life-changing adventure that will strengthen your bond as friends

**Assandra:** But also the rest of you are going to have roles like Cori and Tanto. Like,,, Jemima is going to give them the first clue because she’ll get a text alert upon the bust being opened and she’ll send a cryptic message to the quester, which will eventually lead them to Bomba, who is going to play the part of my ex-lover who is bitter towards me for breaking her heart, but she still holds on to one memento from our passionate romance--a conch shell that we found on the beach, and you have to break open the conch shell to get the key inside that will open the door to an abandoned Rue 21 (I assume all of them will have gone out of business by the time I die) where Cettie and Teazer will be waiting for them, and they’ll be having a fight where Teazer stabs Cettie with a sword, and this is the same sword that the traveler has been looking for since clue #14 so they’ll recognize it immediately, and then Teazer flees with the sword and with her dying breath, Cettie recites a poem I will have written that won several literary awards, and within the lines of that poem is the code to the vault Teazer will have locked herself in. 

**Rumpletiddies:** will i get to keep the sword?

**Assandra:** If they can’t open the vault then sure. I’ll make sure to give you enough water and Skittles to survive, but it’ll be airtight so I can only guarantee you like, eight days tops before you suffocate

**Rumpletiddies:** a week alone with a badass weapon is all i need 

**Cock taser:** What about me? What do I get to do?

**Assandra:** You will be watching everything from a secret surveillance room so you have plenty of notes to make a movie out of all of this, and you shall call it:  _ The Road to Nowhere. _

**Cock taser:** Hell yeah

**Assandra:** I just wish I had more people to work with because there’s a complex train robbery that I want to pull off but I need exactly two more people

**Etc etc:** Ask some of the guys?

**Assandra:** Ew no

→ Everyone welcome  **Da Meater** !

**Tantokilometer:** That should help.

**Cock taser:** Um?

**Etc etc:** who??

**Da Meater:** Wow there are more of you in this roommate groupchat than Tantomile lead me to believe

**Rumpletiddies:** OH SHIT IS THIS MY REPLACEMENT???

**Rumpletiddies:** miles what kind of sick fucking power play is this……...

**Sillabubble:** Oh hi Demeter!!! 

**Da Meater:** Hi!!

**Assandra:** Miles did you add her to the wrong group?

**Tantokilometer:** No, because you’re all my family <3 We are one household

**Etc etc:** Oh does that mean I can come sleep over any time I want??

**Bomb Balls:** Absolutely  _ not _

**Assandra:** Bummer

**Da Meater:** I thought it was just going to be Bomba, Cass, Miles and me in the apartment??

**Tantokilometer:** Correct. The others are close good friends.

**Sillabubble:** Miles told me about you, Demeter!! It’s so nice to meet you!!! :D!!!

**Da Meater:** Nice to meet you too!

**Sillabubbe:** While we’re adding new people to help with Cassie’s funeral can we put my roommate in here too??

**Cock taser:** YEAH SHE’S REALLY COOL!!

**Assandra:** SURE why not lmao

**Rumpletiddies:** aww yes i can also put lemur in here!! u know my cousin lemur?? whom i have talked about on many occasions??

**Da Meater:** Wait

**Da Meater:** Cassie’s  _ what? _

* * *

  
  


Discord - roommate happy time funsplosion extravaganza

8:32 AM

**President Jem:** [link attachment] Ok so here’s the link to the spreadsheet to sign up

**President Jem:** And that should cover it for booking Love Den reservations!! Does anyone have questions?

**Slut:** ✋

**President Jem:** Slut, you have the floor 

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** heh YEAH he does 

**Slut:** Why was this at all a necessary discussion?

**President Jem:** To stop any awkward interruptions! This way you guys can just look at the schedule to know if the room is in use :)

**Slut:** I mean, people usually just put a sock on the doorknob to signal that kind of thing 

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** yeah but this way we’ll all know ahead of time so if you were planning on using the Love Den to study but i already booked it to, let’s say, get pegged by a hot nonbinary gymnist, you would know to just to straight to the library instead

**Cork Pee Cat:** You and your partner may have consented but isn’t there someone else you forgot to ask? Your roommates matter too

**Slut:** All I’m saying is that this feels like a LOT of hoops to jump through

**Slut:** And like,, even if you forgot to give everyone a heads up, wouldn’t you hear it through the door anyways?

**Monkeys Trap:** No, the walls are actually pretty thick so if you were making noise all you would hear are some vague muffles.

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** 👀👀👀 that’s good to know

**Slut:** I still think that this is a lot of unnecessary precaution, but I suppose this will probably never become relevant

* * *

SMS - Etcetera Sorenson, Electra Watson

8:41 AM

**Electra:** And that's why we call it foreshadowing!

**Etcetera:** Wow neat!!!

**Electra:** Right?? 

**Electra:** Anyways, back to my Reylo theories

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Alonzo de Leon Fernandez

9:20 AM

**Munkustrap:** Okay I'm picking out new glasses

**Munkustrap:** [image attachment] What do you think of these?

**Alonzo:** Okay so

**Alonzo:** Obviously I think you look good in anything and you should get whatever YOU like the most, so if you like those then great!!

**Alonzo:** But,

**Alonzo:** And I mean this in the best way possible, 

**Alonzo:** That’s a LOT of square going on

**Alonzo:** Someone told you “Be there or be square” and you clearly didn’t show up

**Alonzo:** If I cut your face diagonally I would have two perfect right triangles

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah

9:29 AM

**Demeter:** I’m doing some last minute shopping before I head out tomorrow, so is there anything else you guys want me to pick up? I still have some room in my U-Haul! 

**Tantomile:** Jar of dirt.

**Demeter:** Ok,,,,

**Tantomile:** If you can, keep it in the passenger seat next to you with the windows rolled down.

**Demeter:** May I ask why?

**Tantomile:** Dirt has memory.

* * *

SMS - Skimbleshanks Harley, Asparagus Lloyd Jr

9:34 AM

**Skimbleshanks:** Darling look at this! :3 

**Skimbleshanks:** It’s a little face! It’s called an emoticon. Love, Hubbykins ❤️

**Asparagus:** How cute! Did one of the kids show you that? New internet lingo is so confusing. Tumble has been telling me about “key smashing”. Instead of saying LOL you just press random keys to express laughter.

**Skimbleshanks:** URAQT

**Skimbleshanks:** Like that? Love, Hubbykins :3

**Asparagus:** I think so

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Alonzo de Leon Fernandez

9:42 AM

**Alonzo:** I could use your jawline to cut a diamond 

**Alonzo:** If you painted a self portrait and tried to submit it to an art gallery they would put it in the center of the cubism section

**Alonzo:** I would never need to use a ruler to draw straight lines, I could just drag a pencil along the side of your face

* * *

  
  


SMS - Demeter O’Sullivan, Bombalurina Roth

10:00 AM

**Demeter:** Ok I feel really really really rude for asking but I need to know because I'm genuinely not sure

**Demeter:** Has Tantomile been messing with me? 

**Bombalurina:** To give you the long answer to your question I am going to add you to yet another server

**Demeter:** Is there a short answer

**Bombalurina:** I’m afraid not

* * *

Discord - Twin Spotting

10:58 AM

→  **Da Meater** joined your party.

**Bombalurina:** Gaydies and gentlethems, as beginning of the school year draws near, it's time to revive my FAVORITE fucking server

**Bombalurina:** And what better way to herald in a new semester of mystical fuckery than by bringing in the latest addition to our family, Demeter O’Sullivan!!!!

**Mungojerrie:** FUCK YEAH TWIN TIME IS BACK!!!!!!!!

**Etcetera:** OH yAY!!!! Welcome Demeter!!!!!!

**Pouncival:** YEAH BABEY!!!!

**Demeter:** What is this place??

**Cassandra:** Bible study

**Tugger:** you aint wrong

**Tugger:** if cori and tanto started a religion i would join it without a second thought

**Bombalurina:** So, we love our wonderful friends Tantomile and Coricopat (her identical twin brother) dearly, but they live on a more advanced level of existence than us that we cannot possibly comprehend

**Bombalurina:** Because they can see into the 4th dimension, they have some habits and mannerisms that are so charmingly bizarre and very fucking funny to us mere mortals that we absolutely have to tell everyone

**Bombalurina:** So this is a server where we share funny stories of our close encounters with them

**Demeter:** Do they know about this?

**Tantomile:** Of course we do.

**Coricopat:** I would be most rude and fucked up to make a gossip server about us without our knowledge or consent, after all

**Tantomile:** Your disorientation at our behavior is incredibly amusing, as well as being useful insight

**Bombalurina:** Anyways Deme, you should read through the pins

* * *

Discord - Twin Spotting

September 2, 2017

12:00 PM

**Mungojerrie:** today i saw coricopat walking to subway and he dropped his notebook but before he could pick it up an ant crawled on it and he sat down and started at it for 11 minutes until it crawled off and he picked the notebook back up and when i asked him why he didnt just brush the ant off he said “i know what its like to have powers greater than you interfere with your journey” and when i said “what the fuck does that mean” he said “you know that old show fraggle rock” and i said “yes” and he said “then i dont need to explain further” and i was too scared to ask any follow up questions

September 20th, 2017

3:12 AM

**Etcetera:** Today me and Electra and Tantomile went to the park to feed ducks, and that went normally, but then after a while she looked at the sun to check the time, and then she got a kettle out of the back of her car and she started a fire and she foraged some leaves and shit from area and she made a pot of tea, and when the kettle whistled this small group of crows came down from the trees and gathered around and Tanto set out little teacups and crumpets for them and they just were having a fucking tea party and me and El didn’t fucking know what to do or what the fuck was happening so we just watched from a distance and when the crows left she packed up and we said “what the fuck” and she said “oh i do this every thursday, it just wasnt important so i never brought it up” but the crows brought her some little presents and tanto shared them with us so I just have some dirty bottlecaps and a rat bone now

**Bombalurina:** Tanto, do crows drink tea???

**Tantomile:** It’s very unhealthy for them, so no. I just gave them water with a small amount of sugar so they felt included.

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Alonzo de Leon Fernandez

9:42 AM

**Alonzo:** You could probably trace your ancestry back to Minecraft Steve 

**Alonzo:** So like, those square frames on your aggressively square face makes you look like a Rubik’s Cube

**Alonzo:** But they’re not bad!!

**Munkustrap:** I appreciate your honesty dear

**Alonzo:** Of course darling <3 

* * *

From the diary of Demeter O’Sullivan (entry #8)

_ Dear diary, _

_ After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that I have NOT joined a cult. Tantomile is still a mystery to me, b _

_ ut it is comforting to know that nobody else seems to be able to pin her down either. I just feel like I’m unknowingly participating in some kind of social experiment the more I find out about these people. _

_ Like, what kind of whimsical world have I been sucked into??? They’re all so nice and their names are all so fucked up. What kind of Dr Seuss land have I walked in to? I just feel like John Quiñones is going to emerge from the bushes at any moment. _

_ I wonder if that show has influenced people’s behavior before...like, what if someone dropped a wad of cash and only returned it because they actually thought they were on TV? Is your deed still good if you have the wrong motivations for it? I wish there were solid answers. It keeps me up a night wondering if there IS a universal standard for good and evil and we’re getting it terribly wrong somehow. Is it better to not be aware of it, though? If we do good only because of the reward for it, then that’s kind of selfish. Maybe if there IS a universal truth of morality, it’s being kept from us from us for that exact reason. This way we HAVE to do good of our own free will, right? _

_ Anyways, I saw another cute squirrel today. I love those tiny bastards so much. _

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals

8:45 PM

**Bombalurina:** Okay it's been a long day but we’re finally fucking done unpacking and I’m about ready to unwind with jackbox if anyone wants to join me  **@everyone**

**Tugger: oh shit** im going to fucking hand you your phat ass at trivia murder party

**Bombalurina: bring it on, bitch**

**Mistoffelees:** Hell yeah, I just bought party pack 4

**Tugger:** who the  _ f u c k  _ are you

**Mistoffelees:** the guy who murders you at the trivia party

**Tugger:** well damn its about fucking time

**Mistoffelees:** ;)

**Tugger:** actually though who are you

**Plato:** Our roommate!!!

**Cassandra:** Tugger he’s been here all day did you just notice we added him????

**Tugger:** IVE NOT BEEN CHECKING MY PHONE!!!

**Alonzo:** Damn you’ve been missing out, we’ve been hanging out with Misto and Vic all day and they’re super cool

**Victoria:** We’ve been getting to know everyone really well!!

**Rumpleteazer:** They already feel like family :’)

**Demeter:** You guys are so sweet!!

**Tugger:** im so fucking lost ajdlsakdsadk

**Mistoffelees:** Hope you make it home safe, dont talk to strangers

**Tugger:** thank you for the advise stranger <3

**Mistoffelees:** Np <3

**Munkustrap:** I can’t believe we all got to know each other so well, and so quickly too!

**Electra:** Too bad it all happened off-camera, but at least we get to just skip to being good friends. Imagine how tedious it would be to have to slowly build a relationship. I guess seeing the development would be rewarding but I’m too fuckng impatient for that shit alskdsjadskdla

**Bombalurina:** Wtf are you talking about

**Electra:** Don’t worry about it

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways I lowkey regret making Misto, Vic and Demeter new to the group lsakdjaljdkad
> 
> Also....I know this is a primarily social-media/text formatted story but also I'm a fucking rebel so I don't even play by my own rules. I can have traditional prose sometimes, as a treat.


	9. The Plot Thickens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was on a roll while writing this so I'm already half-way done with the next chapter alsjdlkad so hopefully there won't be such a long wait for the next update!!

August 7th, 2018

SMS -  Alonzo de León Fern á ndez, Munkustrap Deuteronomy

11:17 AM

**Alonzo:** So my love, not to pressure you or anything but I can’t help but notice that you haven’t announced your new director position yet 

**Alonzo:** It’s just that it’s been over a week since you got the news and classes are starting soon, so you probably shouldn’t wait too much longer

**Alonzo:** I know that our friends are going to want to support you, but they need to be able to make time for it

**Munkustrap:** No yeah, I’m getting to it!!! I just, uhh

**Munkustrap:** I wanted to read the script over a few more times to make sure it’s perfect

**Alonzo:** BABE we have been over this!!!!!

**Munkustrap:** I KNOW!!! BUT IT’S OKAY, I PROMISE I’M DONE REVISING

**Munkustrap:** To be perfectly honest I’ve also been really preoccupied with writing the finale of my Star Trek fic,,, my beta reader is doing a damn fine job making sure it’s perfect

**Alonzo:** Beta reader??

**Alonzo:** Like, as opposed to an ALPHA reader??

**Munkustrap:** YOU’RE my alpha reader hur hur hur hur hur

**Alonzo:** LALjdsaljdlkajd

**Munkustrap:** But a beta reader is basically just an editor for fanfiction

**Munkustrap:** She reads the *beta* version of my story and gives me feedback

**Alonzo:** Ahhh gotcha

**Alonzo:** I just wanted to make sure everything was alright <3333

**Alonzo:** And I love you and your star treks so much

**Alonzo:** That’s the one with the blue time travel box right??

**Munkustrap:** I am very in love with you

**Alonzo:** Aw me too:)

**Munkustrap:** Had to remind myself real quick

* * *

Discord: Home of sexuals

1:59 PM

**Cassandra:** Not that I frequently fantasize about it or anything but if we had a giant queerplatonic poly wedding where we married each other what would you all wear to it <3

**Munkustrap:** Hm...I would wear a suit, but more like a tailcoat because I like that they’re long and flowy. I’d have some honeysuckles and a sprig of baby’s breath on my lapel to symbolize my declaration of everlasting love and affection. I think I would also ask to wear my dad’s cufflinks. Since cufflinks at a your wrist which is a pulse point it would be kinda like having him close to my heart in a way...And it would clash horribly with the rest of my outfit, but I want to wear the same tacky green tie I wore back when I was student council president in high school. That was a very important and formative time in my life, even if I had an awful sense of fashion, so I want to remember who I was so I can appreciate how far I’ve come, to be lucky enough to be standing side by side with the people I love most.

**Mungojerrie:** fursuit

**Etcetera:** Luigi cosplay

**Bombalurina:** Luigi cosplay but sexy

**Mistoffelees:** Repressed Victorian dandy 

**Munkustrap:** Guys

**Rumpleteazer** : my dad got pissed off when i kept insisting i was going to get married in a hazmat suit so i have to stick to it

**Tugger:** the garfield-themed lingerie i lost my virginity in <3 

**Electra:** I feel bad that Munkustrap is the only one who said something sentimental so I’ll forego my initial answer of kidcore propeller cap and overalls in favor of kidcore propeller cap and ballgown dress 

**Tugger:** my answer is PLENTY sentimental >:(

**Lemur:** What do you mean OwO?

**Tugger:** i hate to sound like a broken record but how many fucking times are we going to add new people without telling me

**Rumpleteazer:** dont u remember my cousin???? she was at my dads’ wedding!!!!!

**Tugger:** oh RIGHT Lemur ahaha how u doing

* * *

Discord - roommate happy time funsplosion extravaganza

2:07 PM

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** PLEASE tell me one of you remembers who Lemur is 

**Monkeys Trap:** I was with Dad and Bomba the whole time, I didn’t really meet much of Mr Skimble’s extended family 

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** i thought mr shanks was an only child??????? How does teazer have a cousin????

**Sillabubble:** Teazer said she was adopted!

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** oh ok

**Slut:** By whom, though? 

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** _ “whom”  _ oh my god im gonna piss in your soup

**Monkeys Trap:** No that’s a legit question, who adopted Lemur if Mr Skimble doesn’t have any siblings?

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** wait SHIT

**Cork Pee Cat:** She could just be using the word “cousin” affectionately rather than literally.

**Cork Pee Cat:** Like how sometimes I call all of you my fathers

**Slut:** Sorry  _ w h a t _

**Sillabubble:** I love you Son  💕💕

**The Rat Tongue Trucker:** ohgodohfuck im not ready for this kind of responsibility 

**Monkeys Trap:** May I ask who you’re talking to when you call us that????

**Cork Pee Cat:** No <3 It’s important to respect your children’s privacy and boundaries

_ Several people are typing... _

* * *

Discord - Twin Spotting

2:11 PM

**Alonzo:** Hey everyone guess the fuck what--

* * *

Discord: Home of sexuals

2:40 PM

**Pouncival:** So what are you majoring Lemur?

**Lemur:** I haven’t decided yet actually! I’ll be taking mostly core requirements this year UwU

**Pouncival:** Yeah most of us freshmen are!! 

**Pouncival:** You’re probably going to have College Writing right? With Prof Asparagus?

**Lemur:** I have it with Prof quaxo actually

**Pouncival:** Bummer :((

**Lemur:** Aww!!!!! :’((((((((

**Mungojerrie:** RIPPPP quaxo fucking sucks!!!

**Tugger:** that guy is boring af, i cut most of my classes with his

**Alonzo:** Speaking of, how’s your GPA doing 🤔

**Tugger:** 🖕💕

**Alonzo:** 😘😘😘

**Tugger:** 😳😳😳

**Alonzo:** 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

**Tugger:** 💍?

**Alonzo:** 😳😳😳

**Demeter:** Aw nuts I have prof Quaxo too :(

**Tugger:** we’ll pick this up later lonz 

**Bombalurina:** He’s not THAT bad, just because he makes you write more than one fucking paper 

**Tugger:** you know the musical theater tenant “when you can no longer speak, sing, and when you can no longer sing, dance”?

**Tugger:** suffice to say that does not apply to essays

**Electra:** Cowardly of him to fail you for that 

**Pouncival:** Anyways, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of other classes together, Lemur!!

**Lemur:** Ahahahaha yeah!!!! :))))))))))))))

**Pouncival:** :))))))))))))

* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley,  Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah

2:47 PM

**Cassandra:** Ten bucks says Pouncival asks Lemur out by the end of the month

**Bombalurina:** Oh you’re ON

* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley, Pouncival Sorenson

2:57 PM

**Pouncival:** Hey what does your cousin Lemur look like??

**Pouncival:** You know so I can recognize when we meet irl this semester 

**Pouncival:** Like is she blonde or 

**Rumpleteazer:** 👀👀

* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley,  Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah

2:43 PM

**Rumpleteazer:** How’s twenty bucks for the end of the WEEK?

* * *

Discord - direct message (Chevok’s Phase Pistol + beam me up thotty)

3:00 PM

**beam me up thotty:** Okay so that last chapter of The Harrowing Skirmish Between the Reptilians and the Insectoids has me CRYING!!!!

**beam me up thotty:** God. That conclusion is so bittersweet its perfect

**beam me up thotty:** It was solid before revisions but hot DAMN those little tweaks put it on another level

**Chevok’s Phase Pistol:** Oh thank goodness!! I honestly don’t think there’s much interest in the Star Trek fandom for an abstract Faulkner-esque narrative about the Xidi Civil War but it was honestly the perfect framing device

**beam me up thotty:** Man as long as the people who do find it like it, then who the fuck cares about clout!! 

**Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** I really don’t have enough time to devote to it to care about popularity anyways. I’m perfectly content staying in my own little corner inventing lore for bug aliens. I try to keep my real life and fandom life separate so I do prefer to stay under the radar anyways

**Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** To be honest I’m surprised that last one-shot got so much attention. Who’d have thought there was an audience for Data Twitch Streamer AU??

**beam me up thotty:** You’d be surprised what there’s an audience for

**beam me up thotty:** The amount of Picard/Kirk mpreg I’ve had to read proves it

**Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** You know just because someone ASKS you to beta read something doesn’t mean you HAVE to

**beam me up thotty:** I know but I’m morbidly fascinated,, I became a beta reader for the same reason people go to the zoo

**Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** You know what? Fair

* * *

Discord: Home of sexuals

3:20 PM

**Mistoffelees:** So is there like a GSA club on campus

**Tugger:** yea its this groupchat

**Mistoffelees:** Oh sweet

**Rumpleteazer:** you say that, but there are no straights here to be allies with us

**Etcetera:** **@Pouncival**

**Pouncival:** Hello from ur token cishet 👋

**Rumpleteazer:** i would like to amend my earlier statement 

**Mistoffelees:** For real though is there one? 

**Alonzo:** Yeah, Bomba’s the president actually! A lot of us are members

**Mistoffelees:** Sick!! I would love to have other trans friends for once

**Electra: @Tugger** ADD HIM

* * *

Discord: Transylvania

3:41 PM

→  **✨Presto✨** is here.

_ Tugger set nickname as Mistoffelees. _

**Mistoffelees:** Oh??

**Tugger:** welcome to Transylvania, its like pennsylvania but more queer because coricopat is half vampire 

**Coricopat:** And you would do well to remember it

**Electra:** You guys know what this means???

**Tumblebrutus:** Oh shit?????

**Mungojerrie:** Yo is this happening??????

**Plato:** ???

**Mistoffelees:** WAIT SERIOUSLY ALL FOUR OF US??

**Electra:** ALL TRANS DORM FOR Y’ALL BABEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Mistoffelees:** Holy shit what are the chances!!!

**Mungojerrie:** Yo what flavor are you?? Im getting us flags

**Mistoffelees:** You know that’s a good fucking question

**Mistoffelees:** If I had to describe my relationship to gender, I would be male-flavored Lacroix

**Tumblebrutus:** Dude I fucking FELT that

**Plato:** Wait bro do you mind being called bro?? Or like do you prefer sib

**Mistoffelees:** ALKSjlakds bro is fine

**Mistoffelees:** Plato I say this with all the fondness in my heart but you are the LAST person I expected to be here

**Plato:** Honestly me either? Like I just keep seeing all our friends talk about genders a lot and I don’t know anything about them so I really don’t feel qualified to have one

**Tugger:** such a responsible gender-owner. you always need to make sure you do your research and make plenty of preparations before introducing a new gender to your home <3

**Coricopat:** I personally house my genders in a 5x6 two-story enclosure and let them mingle. I’ve found that they are social creatures who thrive best when allowed socialize among eachother. 

**Tumblebrutus:** Mine is in a shitty glass bowl that I like to tap on when I’m bored

**Cassandra:** Mine showed up at the door one day. I fed her once and she wouldn’t leave me alone so I set her up with her own room and all the luxury fancy feast she could want

**Tugger:** I adopted  _ one  _ and she kept bringing her friends around so I run a foster home for them now

**Electra:** Imagine having this conversation in front of prof gus

**Tumblebrutus:** Oh my GODDDD 

**Tumblebrutus:** Look I know 10000% that Gramps would be cool with it but I’ve put off coming out to him expressly because I still need to come up with a way to explain my specific flavor of nonbinary in a way that he’ll understand

**Tumblebrutus:** Like I don’t think he’ll completely grasp “none gender with left boy”

**Mistoffelees:** Yeah, I ended up just telling my uncle that I’m a boy until I figure it out completely for myself lmao

**Mistoffelees:** I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s still figuring it out laljdslaksad

**Cassandra:** Oh you are SO not alone. In this gang somebody’s ALWAYS having a gender crisis

**Cassandra:** Even our cis friends are holding on to their genders by a  _ thread _

**Electra:** Tbh??? At this point I’m just  _ waiting  _ for Alonzo to come out

**Cassandra:** TBHHHHHH!!!!!!

**Cassandra:** “Its totally normal to want to be a woman right?? Every guy thinks that”

**Cassandra:** We all know that’s what he’s thinking 

**Tugger:** “Whenever we played house as a kid I always wanted to be the mom because it seemed more fun than being the dad”

**Electra:** “I just think it would be way cooler to be a girl than a boy, too bad there’s nothing I can do about it”

**Cassandra:** “I just think women are inherently more like, beautiful and cool than men, it’s not like I’m projecting or anything”

**Coricopat:** I have internalized misandry

**Tumblebrutus:** Hey buddy

**Tumblebrutus:** Did you  _ mean  _ to leave the quotation marks out of that or

**Coricopat:** Questions with no answers

**Tumblebrutus:** 😐

* * *

Discord - Home of sexuals

4:03 PM

**Munkustrap: @Everyone** Okay, big news gang!

**Munkustrap:** I know that we have all been eagerly awaiting the results of my application for the position of director for our theater department this upcoming semester. 

I’m happy to announce that I have been selected! I will be sending out an email to the whole roster but I wanted to announce it here first!

**Bombalurina:** CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Rumpleteazer:** HELL YEAH FUCK YEAH!!!

**Jemima:** YAAAAAAAY MUNKUSTRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD

**Etcetera:** OMG DROP THE SCRIPT!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE PUTTING ON????

**Electra:** PLeASE SAY CHANTECLER

**Munkustrap:** So,, I actually wrote my own script :)

**Munkustrap:** I just emailed a copy to everyone!

**Etcetera:** OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Bombalurina:** OH SHIT FOR REAL? 

**Tugger:** BRUH is this what you’ve been working on all summer????

**Munkustrap:** Yep! 

**Munkustrap:** It’s called The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles (Together With Some Account of the Participation of the Pugs and the Poms, and the Intervention of the Great Rumpus Cat). I promise the long ass title is thematically relevant but I’ve been calling it Pekes and Pollicles for short 

**Munkustrap:** But it’s a apocalyptic musical tragedy in four parts about the common people who get caught up in large-scale conflict and war, and how their lives are affected by it

**Munkustrap:** It’s post-World War III and also told from the perspective of a variety of domestic animals 

**Munkustrap:** I promise that it makes sense once you read it

**Alonzo:** It’s actually REALLY good you guys, and we’re not just saying that because we’ve been trapped in a two-person echo chamber for three months

**Mungojerrie:** im going to assume that ur telling us first because as ur friends we’ll get special treatment <3

**Munkustrap:** I’m going to have some professors cast the show with me to prevent bias but I won’t be able to help it if ALL of you just so happen to be incredibly talented people with lots of merit who are qualified anyways 

**Bombalurina:** I mean this groupchat makes up most of the student body of the theater department anyways so

**Rumpleteazer:** as long as there are buttons for me to press

**Tumblebrutus:** Don’t think you’ll have to worry much about that

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is some SLIGHT retconning lmao  
> I knew I wanted to have a trans groupchat but I only just decided who exactly I wanted in it. It's a small crowd in there now but....it' s gonna grow......don't worry about it....
> 
> That being said, I have a REALLY hard time saying that any of the characters are 100% cis.


	10. Nobody Is Having a Good Day Today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said the next chapter would be up pretty fast? God I'm so funny  
> This chapter is longer than normal, though, so enjoy an extra few minutes of my shitty jokes <3

* * *

August 7th, 2018

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah 

6:35 PM

**Demeter:** Hey guys! I’m 45 minutes away from the apartment!

 **Bombalurina:** Great! I’m actually out of the house right now, but I’ll be there later on!

 **Bombalurina:** By the way, do you happen to have any, like, bad phobias?

 **Bombalurina:** Because Cassandra is watching some horror movies and on the off chance that you DO have any, we would hate to take you by surprise

 **Cassandra:** And for no other reason :)

 **Demeter:** Oh well I’m glad you did ask because I actually am REALLY hemophobic

 **Demeter:** Like, I get nauseous when I see paper cuts, it's pretty bad

 **Bombalurina:** Ah good to know!!

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah 

6:39 PM

**Cassandra:** I know this makes a bad situation worse but IM CACKLING

 **Bombalurina:** Ugh it’ll be FINE

 **Bombalurina:** I can figure this out

 **Bombalurina:** It’s okay we have some time to get all of that blood cleaned up before Deme gets here 

**Cassandra:** You really couldn’t have at least picked up the broken glass BEFORE you took Tanto to the ER could you

 **Bombalurina:** I’m SORRY but you heard how she was yelling and crying

 **Cassandra:** Don’t worry I assure you I have been absolutely PISSING myself in here

 **Bombalurina:** I’m glad at least one of us is having a good time

 **Bombalurina:** I’ll just tell Deme what happened and that she should like,, go sit at a cafe until we get back

 **Tantomile:** Absolutely not

 **Cassandra:** Girl don’t you have glass in your feet rn

 **Tantomile:** The excruciating level of pain that I am suffering will not cloud my better judgement. 

**Tantomile:** We can’t let Demeter know what has happened. If she enters our household for the first time with her energy in such a fractured and upset state, then it won’t be long before the rot spreads and infects us as well

 **Cassandra:** She’s right, first impressions are critical. That’s why when I meet people for the first time, I make them hold things for me while I pretend to take an important phone call. Easy way to establish dominance. 

**Bombalurina:** Then I’ll just go back home now and clean before she gets here

 **Tantomile:** And leave me all alone? You know that I’m afraid of hospitals, Bombalurina. They are places of simultaneous healing and brokenness, and the lack of healthcare affordability makes me sick. 

**Tantomile:** Why else do you think I would be texting you instead of simply speaking to you out loud, even though we’re sitting next to each other?

 **Tantomile:** If you leave, I will cry so, so much.

 **Tantomile:** My, what a rude gesture to make.

 **Bombalurina:** HHHHHHH you guys really aren’t going to make this easy for me are you

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Bomalurina Roth 

6:40 PM

**Bombalurina:** I need a favor

 **Bombalurina:** I’m stuck at the ER with Tantomile rn so I need you to go to our apartment help Demeter move her stuff in when she gets there, which will be in about 30 min

 **Munkustrap:** I can do that, but is Tantomile okay? What happened??

 **Bombalurina:** Tanto dropped a jar with a bug in it and of course the jar SHATTERED everywhere but instead of carefully cleaning up the glass her number one priority was fucking finding the bug first and making sure it was okay, so of course she STEPPED ALL OVER IT and cut herself up pretty bad so I had to take her to the ER, and I can’t leave because she needs someone to hold her hand

 **Bombalurina:** And now Cassandra is stuck in her room because there’s still blood and glass ALL OVER the living room and she doesn't have shoes thick enough to safely walk through it

 **Bombalurina:** So I’m gonna need you to clean that up the mess as well btw 

**Bombalurina:** The door should be unlocked already <3

 **Munkustrap:** This is a lot to spring on my all of a sudden

 **Bombalurina:** Pwetty pwease UwU

 **Munkustrap:** Well when you put it like THAT how can I possible say no

* * *

SMS - Etcetera Sorenson, Electra Watson 

6:36 PM

**Electra:** Hi!! I’m having a crisis

 **Etcetera:** Hi having a crisis, I’m Cettie!!

 **Electra:** Oh my god

 **Electra:** Have you read the Pekes & Pollicles script yet 

**Etcetera:** Funny how something with a run time of three hours is going to take me five days to read

 **Electra:** I mean that’s just from the vast amount of intricate stage directions and set descriptions

 **Etcetera:** Yeah I was gonna say this seems pretty high concept for a college production

 **Etcetera:** And like I KNOW we are in fact a performing arts (among other things) university but STILL

 **Etcetera:** I think the scale of these pyrotechnics for the song where Petey the Peke violates all of the Geneva Conventions in alphabetical order might be too ambitious 

**Electra:** Anyways I finished skimming it and 

**Electra:** You know how Munkustrap writes fanfiction?

 **Etcetera:** Wait he seriously does?? I thought that was a joke akjdslajdlksad

 **Etcetera:** What kind of FUCKING loser reads and writes fanfiction??????

 **Electra:** 👁️👁️

 **Etcetera:** Im kidding, I used to read Teen Wolf fic so I am in no place to judge

 **Electra:** Anyways this script is like

 **Electra:** Almost exactly the same as one of Munk’s fics

 **Etcetera:** OH??

 **Etcetera:** Oh my GOD

 **Electra:** YUP

 **Etcetera:** IS HE????? PULLING A 50 SHADES???? 

**Etcetera:** IS HE GONNA TURN IT INTO A MOVIE TOO????

 **Etcetera:** KJSDALDJ WAIT wait wait wait

 **Etcetera:** Which of his fics did he base this on

 **Etcetera:** this play is about fucking DOGS did he create an elaborate Air Bud AU????

 **Electra:** Star Trek but the dogs are actually bug and lizard aliens

 **Etcetera:** Makes perfect sense

 **Electra:** And here’s the kicker,

 **Electra:** He hasn’t actually PUBLISHED this fic yet

 **Etcetera:**?????????

 **Etcetera:** Then how do you know he based his play on his fanfic?

 **Etcetera:** Did he show it to you?? 

**Electra:** Yes but he didn’t know he was showing it to ME

 **Electra:** You know how I told you I have a side gig as a proofreader 

**Etcetera:** Yes???

 **Electra:** What I actually do is beta read fanfiction

 **Etcetera:** LAKjdslsajdlksajdlksad I’m having an incredible day today

 **Etcetera:** Honestly El you don’t have to be embarrassed about it 

**Electra:** Due to the nature of the fanfiction I beta read I DO in fact need to be embarrassed about it but this ain’t about me right now

 **Etcetera:** Okay? But we’re revisiting this later 

**Electra:** AND I GUESS MUNKUSTRAP HIT ME UP TO BETA READ FOR HIM?? BUT HE DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS ME AND I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS HIM

 **Etcetera:** HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW

 **Electra:** We BOTH use seperate discord accounts for our fandom shit as it turns out!!! And its not like our personal lives came up much so there's no way we could have known!!!!

 **Electra:** “I know that this is an AU, I think it's a little out of character for Picard to react so negatively when he finds out about his secret hybrid alien bastard son, especially since the mother is an old flame from his time as a tribble breeder. By the way, what’s your zip code??

 **Etcetera:** Im LOSING IT this is so fucking funny lakjdslkjdklasd you DWEEBS 

**Electra:** AND I FUCKING DISCOVERED THIS BECAUSE ALMOST EVERYTHING IN HIS PEKES AND POLLICLES SCRIPT IS WORD-FOR-WORD TAKEN FROM HIS FANFIC EXCEPT HE REPLACED THE WORD ALIEN WITH POLLICLE AND I AM SCREAMING!!!

 **Etcetera:** THIS MUST BE A LOT TO PROCESS FOR YOU

 **Etcetera:** WAIT HASN’T ALONZO BEEN EDITING FOR MUNK'S SCRIPTS AND ESSAYS AND SHIT??? DOES HE KNOW??????

* * *

SMS - Alonzo de León Fernández, Electra Watson 

6:41 PM

**Electra:** Heeeeyyyy Zo-Zo, do you happen to read any of Munk’s fanfiction

 **Alonzo:** I don’t know enough about Star Trek to be able to fully appreciate it, so no

 **Alonzo:** Why do you ask?

 **Electra:** Oh no reason

* * *

SMS - Etcetera Sorenson, Electra Watson 

6:42 PM

**Electra:** HE DOESN’T KNOW

 **Electra:** Okay okay okay okay let’s take a step back for a sec

 **Electra:** I mean like. Okay it’s not a BAD thing that he writes fanfiction, just potentially a little embarrassing 

**Etcetera:** I just want to know if this started out as an original script or as a fanfic right now

 **Etcetera:** Which one came first??

 **Electra:** I DON’T KNOOOOOW but Munk has said that he tries to keep his fandom activity separated from his real life so I can’t imagine that he would be too pleased if everyone found out that this is based on his Star Trek fanfiction. LIke that might hurt his reputation 

**Electra:** This has GOT to stay a secret 

**Etcetera:** I’ll take this with me to my grave but I think you ought to probably tell Munkustrap that you know

 **Etcetera:** LIke you don’t have to make a big deal out of it

 **Etcetera:** Just be like “Hey funny story!! I will not tell anyone don’t worry!! Haha we are laughing over this because of what a silly happenstance it is!!”

 **Electra:** But if I tell him that I’m his beta reader then he’s going to know that I personally am responsible for beta reading all of the other questionable fics in my resume

 **Etcetera:** Questionable how?

 **Electra:** Are you SURE you want to know?

 **Etcetera:** Come on it can’t be THAT bad

 **Electra:** Hnn,,, you know omegaverse?

 **Etcetera:** No?

 **Electra:** You’ve read TEEN WOLF fic and you don’t know what omegaverse is?????????

 **Etcetera:** I never said that I read it OFTEN

 **Electra:** Okay I guess I know what we’re doing for the rest of the evening 

**Electra:** Remember that episode of Fairly Oddparents where Cosmo gets pregnant

 **Etcetera:** Yes??

 **Electra:** We’ll start from there

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Bomalurina Roth 

7:08 PM

[12 missed calls from Munkustrap Deuteronomy]

**Bombalurina:** Okay sorry I was talking to the doctor

 **Bombalurina:** Did you know Tantomile is allergic to sweat?? Crazy

 **Bombalurina:** Anyways what’s up

 **Munkustrap:** So the door IS locked after all

 **Munkustrap:** Cass has been trying to craft a rope out of spare bedsheets so I can climb in through her window, but she does not actually have more than one bedsheet that she’s willing to sacrifice so we’re having a bit of a rough time with it

 **Bombalurina:** Demeter’s gonna be there ANY minute and you haven’t even gotten inside yet????

 **Munkustrap:** I’m so sorry that I cannot control time

 **Bombalurina:** No no no I’m sorry this is not your fault

 **Bombalurina:** This is fine. This is fine. I’ll just distract her!! It’s fine!!!

 **Bombalurina:** Okay so do you see the jars of dirt by the door

 **Munkustrap:** I’ve had nothing to do but admire them

 **Bombalurina:** There’s a spare key buried in one of them. I don’t remember which so you’ll just have to empty them all out and dig through it

 **Bombalurina:** Tantomile is gonna give me hell for this later but we’re running out of options

 **Munkustrap:** Couldn’t Coricopat go stay with Tantomile so you can be at home??

 **Bombalurina:** Man I’ve been texting and calling them for an hour and haven’t heard back. They’re busy with SOMETHING.

 **Bombalurina:** This whole contrivance would never have happened if they’d been available from the beginning

* * *

SMS - Coricopat Leclair, Cassandra Sabbah 

7:10 PM

**Coricopat:** Did it not occur to Bombalurina to ask Munkustrap to take her place at the hospital to begin with? Then she could have gotten herself into her apartment to clean up with no problem. 

**Cassandra:** No yeah that’s what I THOUGHT she was going to do. I think she’s just too stressed to think about it

 **Coricopat:** It might be a good idea to suggest this to Bombalurina

 **Cassandra:** You know, you’re right

 **Cassandra:** I just kind of want to see how much deeper she can dig herself into this hole lmao

 **Coricopat:** Is it not cruel to sit idly and watch a loved one set themself ablaze as you hold a pail of water?

 **Cassandra:** But I’m so thirsty <3 I need this water for myself <3

 **Cassandra:** But HEY you’ve been brushing her off all day yourself, wise guy

 **Cassandra:** Like your sister’s in the emergency room, what could possibly be so important to keep you from her?

 **Coricopat:** As much as it pains me to be away from my sister in her suffering, I’m afraid that I am occupied with more important matters.

 **Cassandra:** Which would be?

 **Coricopat:** A spider started weaving a web in the kitchen window and she invited me to observe her. It would be very rude to deny her generous offer.

 **Cassandra:** I--

 **Coricopat:** She is a very skilled artisan.

 **Cassandra:** Yeah okay

* * *

SMS - Demeter O’Sullivan, Bombalurina Roth 

7:13 PM

**Bombalurina:** Hiii Demeter! 

**Demeter:** Oh I was JUST about to text you!

 **Demeter:** I’m not sure if you gave me the right address?? I’m in the parking lot but there’s some dude in front of the door playing in dirt?

 **Demeter:** At least I HOPE it’s dirt

 **Demeter:** Yeah he’s dumping jars of dirt onto the ground and swearing 

**Demeter:** Should I be concerned?

 **Bombalurina:** Ah don’t worry about it

 **Bombalurina:** But I DO need to ask a favor of you before you start bringing your stuff in!

 **Demeter:** Uh sure

 **Bombalurina:** Can you go to the store and pick up some milk? I was going to make a nice cake as a welcome for you, but wouldn’t you know it, we’re all out of milk!

 **Bombalurina:** Haha, Tantomile just drinks so much of it!

 **Demeter:** I can definitely get milk, but I thought you said you were out of the house right now?

 **Bombalurina:** Ah well

 **Bombalurina:** I am making the cake in Munkustrap’s dorm actually :)

 **Demeter:** Oh, so should I bring the milk to his place then?

 **Bombalurina:** Why YES, that would be perfect!!

* * *

SMS - Rumpleteazer Harley, Bomalurina Roth 

7:06 PM

**Bombalurina:** What are you doing right now

 **Rumpleteazer:** Hot girl shit

 **Rumpleteazer:** I snuck into the back of Tumble’s car lol 

**Rumpleteazer:** Did you know he listens to Rats the musical

 **Rumpleteazer:** He’s also a solid baritone tbh

 **Bombalurina:** That’s nice but l I need someone to come to the hospital and take over babysitting Tantomile so I can go to Munk’s and bake a cake. Can you get over here

 **Rumpleteazer:** Ya I’ll punch out the tail lights and wave. When the cops pull Tumble over I’ll ask them for a ride over there

 **Bombalurina:** Anything that will perhaps get you here a little faster?

 **Rumpleteazer:** I guess I COULD ask Tumble nicely to take me nicely, but that would make be a BORING LOSER, which I am deadly allergic to. Achoo,,, achoo,,,,

 **Bombalurina:** I’ll take you and Jerrie to Chuck-E-Cheese next weekend

 **Rumpleteazer:** Wow what do you know!! I found my Boring Loser Medication!! Glug glug!!!

* * *

SMS - Etcetera Sorenson, Electra Watson 

7:12 PM

 **Electra:** Cause it’s all like “I am insatiably drawn to you because of my irresistible instincts.” LIke the animalistic part really only plays into the attraction aspect? And SOME fics branch out and do more worldbuilding on the implications of a society driven by sexual dynamics as a form of reclamation, but it’s undeniable that “Alpha” behavior is really just based on toxic masculinity at its core. So even though I think that you can make SOME comparison to furries, the exaggerated wolf-life dynamic is just a means to an end for what is essentially het-coding a gay couple. 

**Etcetera:** I’m really concerned with how much you think about this

 **Etcetera:** Thinking about never talking to you again actually

 **Electra:** I promise you that it can get way grosser and weirder 

**Electra:** And like PROMISE I’m not into it!!! I just think it’s interesting 

**Etcetera:** LASKALKJD DON’T ELABORATE PLEASE

 **Electra:** YOU SEE WHY I’M HESITANT TO REVEAL MYSELF TO MUNK??

 **Electra:** He’s gotten this spiel and BEYOND

 **Etcetera:** It sounds like you just have dirt on EACH OTHER at this point so doesn’t it cancel out???

 **Etcetera:** Right know you and I are the only people who know so WE hold all the cards and that’s not fair. We gotta do Munk justice. You gotta come clean and then you can both die of embarrassment together 

**Electra:** UUUhhsadkjashjhghghghghghghghghghg OkaYYY you’re right,,, I cannot bear this burden alone,,,

 **Etcetera:** Keep me updated!!

* * *

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Bombalurina Roth 

7: 35 PM

**Munkustrap:** How are things on your end?

 **Bombalurina:** I sent Demeter to the store for milk,, so that’s been keeping her fairly busy

 **Bombalurina:** Did you find the key?

 **Munkustrap:** No, but Cassandra finished her bedsheet rope so I got in just fine anyways

 **Munkustrap:** So, uh, some stranger has stolen your spare dirt key

 **Bombalurina:** Hngggg problems for later 

**Munkustrap:** I think I got all the glass, so I’m mopping up the blood now

 **Munkustrap:** There’s a blood stain in front of the bathroom that I’m having a hard time getting out

 **Bombalurina:** That was there when we moved in, don’t worry about it

 **Munkustrap:** Uh do you know what it’s from??

 **Bombalurina:** Tanto and I asked the landlord and he just said “there hasn’t been a bathroom in this apartment for thirty years”

 **Bombalurina:** So we don’t willingly talk to him anymore

 **Munkustrap:** Good call

 **Bombalurina:** Also your apartment is super nice, like I would not expect Tugger and Coricopat to live here. Everything’s all put away and shit

 **Munkustrap:** I’m actually the only one moved in. I got to come early because of RA privileges

 **Bombalurina:** Why does Alonzo’s bed look slept in

 **Munkustrap:** I miss him,,,

 **Bombalurina:** Gay

 **Bombalurina:** Speaking of beds why in the everlasting fuck did you push all of them into one room???

 **Munkustrap:** We decided to use the other bedroom as an office

 **Bombalurina:** Why is there a schedule on the office door marked “Love Den Reservation Sign-Up”

 **Munkustrap:** Um 

**Munkustrap:** HEY what are you doing at my apartment anyways, Bomba?

 **Bombalurina:** Gotta bake a cake

 **Munkustrap:** Yeah this may as well happen

 **Bombalurina:** Unrelated but do you know any simple recipes 

**Munkustrap:** Sure, but gimme a sec. Electra’s been blowing up my phone

* * *

Discord - direct message (Cock Taser + Munk Deuteronomy) 

7: 37 PM

**Cock Taser:** Heyyyyyyy Munk!!!!

 **Cock Taser:** So something REALLY funny happened!!!!

 **Cock Taser:** I’m reading through the Pekes & Pollicles script right? And it’s REALLY good!! It’s so good!! It’s gonna be a really great play!

 **Cock Taser:** And I’m reading it right? And I’m thinking that it’s looking like really familiar

 **Cock Taser;** But like a LOT of stories are really familiar in a way right? Good ol’ Campbell’s hero’s journey after all!!

 **Cock Taser:** I mean I’m personally more partial towards Harmon’s story circle but that’s whatever, Campbell is still super cool

 **Cock Taser:** Like it’s so fascinating how there are infinite ways to tell essentially the same story, and I love it when patterns become widely recognized so artists can start breaking the mold

 **Cock Taser:** I personally think that a lot of postmodernists kind of get too pretentious with breaking the mold but like

 **Cock Taser:** Anyways Pekes and Pollicles is kind of really reminding me of this OTHER story of yours I read once

 **Cock Taser:** And actually it’s one of your Star Trek fics!

 **Munk Deuteronomy:** Oh you actually read those???

 **Munk Deuteronomy:** I didn’t think any of you guys were actually interested. I mean, I don’t talk about it a lot because it’s kind of embarrassing but I’m actually really proud of a lot of those fics!! 

**Munk Deuteronomy:** Man fanfic is something that I just like to indulge in,, I don’t like to have low standards for myself but I feel so much less pressure with fanfic. It’s honestly super relaxing

 **Munk Deuteronomy:** Even Alonzo doesn’t read my fics. He’s tried to before but he’s never consumed any Star Trek media in his life. I’m actually super flattering to know that you do

 **Munk Deuteronomy:** Please let me know what you think though!! I always love feedback!

 **Cock Taser:** So,, I kind of already _have_ been doing that

 **Munk Deuteronomy:**??

* * *

Discord - direct message (beam me up thotty + Chekov’s Phase Pistol) 

  
  


7:47 PM

**beam me up thotty:** ITS ME I’M ELECTRA

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** HUH

 **beam me up thotty:** I KNOW THAT PEKES & AND POLLICLES IS JUST DOCTORED FANFICTION

 **Chevok’s Phase Pistol:** HOLD ON I NEED A SECOND

 **beam me up thotty:** Understandable!!!

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** You’ve been beta reading for me for a YEAR and it’s been you this whole time?

 **beam me up thotty:** This is a shock for me as well believe me

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** I just

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** We’ve told each other some pretty personal shit and now there’s a face to the username and every time I look at you it’s gonna be like “Oh, she thinks about omegaverse a concerning amount”

 **beam me up thotty:** Wow I’m so glad this is my new brand,,,,,

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** Okay it’s not that I think it’s embarrassing to write fanfiction, but I’d rather keep the dark origins of my script under wraps

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** Like, seriously please don’t tell anyone

 **beam me up thotty:** Absolutely!

 **beam me up thotty:** Um disclaimer: I did tell Cettie before I talked to you

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** Oh no

 **beam me up thotty:** But she promised not to tell!! It’s fine!

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** You KNOW she can’t keep a secret

 **beam me up thotty:** Sure she can!!

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** Do you not remember when we tried to throw a surprise party for Tantomile and Etcetera _took her shopping for party supplies?_

 **beam me up thotty:** Um it’s CALLED hiding in plain sight

 **Chekov’s Phase Pistol:** I’m just straight up having a bad day today aren’t I

* * *

SMS - Tantomile Leclair, Demeter O’Sullivan, Bombalurina Roth, Cassandra Sabbah 

8:55 PM

**Cassandra:** Aight what’s the sitch girls

 **Cassandra:** I can access the living room now so that’s great

 **Cassandra:** Oh Bomba btw, I gave Munk some bath bombs of yours to use as reparations

 **Cassandra:** He’s been in the tub for like...an hour

 **Bombalurina:** I’m not even mad, he deserves it

 **Bombalurina:** Uh me and Demeter have been baking and watching Cake Boss. It's been a pretty good time, tbh

 **Bombalurina:** Ya’ll she’s so cute in person I can’t wait for you to see her 

**Bombalurina:** Like damn holy heck

 **Tantomile:** I am confounded by Cake Boss...is the point of the cake not to be eaten? And yet he constructs his pastries 90% out of rice krispie treats and fondant, the two most disgusting desserts on the planet. 

**Cassandra:** Tanto how much longer are you going to be at the hospital

 **Cassandra:** How fucking long can stitches possibly take?

 **Bombalurina:** Yeah didn’t the doctor just get started when Teazer showed up to replace me?

 **Tantomile:** We left the hospital a long time ago. Rumpleteazer got me ice cream for being such a brave patient, and we’re seeing a movie now

 **Cassandra:** Texting during a movie, Miles???

 **Tantomile:** It’s just the Teen Titans Go movie, chill your tits

 **Tantomile:** Teazer and Tumble are taking me home after this, and Teazer wants to know if we can have a slumber party.

 **Bombalurina:** No

 **Cassandra:** Lame. What about you Bomba? ETA??

 **Bombalurina:** TBHHH we’re kinda thinking about crashing at Munk’s tonight cause we’re both too tired to move luggage. We will bring leftover cupcakes in the morning though

 **Cassandra:** So YOU get to have a slumber party and WE don’t??? 

**Tantomile:** She makes a compelling point.

 **Cassandra:** I think Munkustrap is already asleep in the tub anyways, so…

 **Bombalurina:** Hnnn YEAH fine okay but please don’t let her into my room

* * *

SMS - Etcetera Sorenson, Electra Watson 

9:30 PM

**Electra:** So if Prince Charming had just become a high school theater teacher, Shrek 3 probably would have been a way better movie

 **Electra:** But anyways the point of this conversation is that you like REALLY can’t tell anyone that Pekes & Pollicles is Star Trek fic

 **Etcetera:** I have this friend named Brevity that I think you should meet one of these days

 **Electra:** She sounds lame

* * *

SMS - Coricopat Leclair, Tantomile Leclair 

9:37 PM

**Tantomile:** How is the spider doing?

 **Coricopat:** Making herself at home. She caught three flies today, and the iridescence of her web was so beautiful that I was moved to tears.

 **Tantomile:** I’m so proud of her…

 **Tantomile:** I’m so happy that you were able to witness such a miracle of creation today.

 **Coricopat:** Do you find it troubling at all that I stayed to watch a spider instead of going to the hospital with you?

 **Tantomile:** Don’t be silly, this was far more important. I thought of nothing but spiders as the glass was removed from my flesh, and it was quite soothing.

 **Coricopat:** Hm. 

**Coricopat:** God we really are weird, aren’t we

 **Tantomile:** Yeah,,,, **😞**

* * *

August 8, 2018

SMS - Munkustrap Deuteronomy, Bomalurina Roth 

12:42 PM

**Bombalurina:** Hey thanks so much for sticking around to help Demeter move in!

 **Munkustrap:** Yeah no problem!! Uh sorry I fell asleep in your bath last night

 **Munkustrap:** Thanks for cleaning my kitchen though!!

 **Bombalurina:** Of course! 

**Munkustrap:** Uh question though

 **Munkustrap:** Why’d you write your name on the love den reservation sign up

 **Bombalurina:** 😉

 **Munkustrap:** BOMBA???????

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahh I've come to terms with the fact that this fic isn't really a priority for me and that I'm gonna have to write it completely at my leisure <3


End file.
